


In Reality

by parodySphoria



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Androgyny, Gen, Gender Issues, Humanstuck, M/M, Other, Rating May Change, Trans Character, Warnings May Change, a parent in denial, for those of you just scrolling past: have a great day!, john's insensitive to gender issues, keep doing what you're doing, nb character, or are they NB, the game was just a game, this is going to be long as fuck, you readers are amazing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2018-03-24 15:21:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 36,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3773614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parodySphoria/pseuds/parodySphoria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're pretty sure your three friends just think the trolls were part of the game, NPCs made as a construct to make your game more interesting and more immersive, but at the beginning you got to choose the race of your team, and no other walkthroughs of Human teams mention having a team of voice-acted troll NPCs fighting with them.</p><p>You think they hacked in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

You stand amongst the wreckage of the battle just finished, surrounded by your friends and the surviving trolls. The scenery flickers ominously in the dark, starry setting. You don't know if there's any of the game left, and that worries you.

You try and speak but your words are lost over the sound of John cheering excitedly and offering the other members of your human team e-high-fives. The trolls look uneasy, or as uneasy as the game will let them look. You can't hear them any more but you can see their words. You can see capitalised grey sentences flicker briefly before being drowned out by John congratulating everyone on such a good game.

You've defeated the final boss, there's nothing left to do.

"Hey so what's everyone's actual screen na-"

The screen fades to black, a luminous green house symbol pulsating light into your vision as it deletes the words you'd just begun typing. You can hear John, Jade and Rose talking through your headset over the haunting piano refrain of the Sburb credits. You press your hands against your computer desk and push backwards, blinking your eyes to adjust to the darkness of your room. You don't know how many hours you've been on today, but it was definitely not nighttime when you sat down to play.

"That was such a great game, the npcs were really convincing! It almost felt like I was _actually_ gonna die!" John yells, excitement still flooding his voice as a sickness makes itself at home in the pit of your stomach.

You've been on and off this game for what feels like months, now. None of you able to log in and play without the others being online after the first disc, due to the game's weird compatibility construct. What the others don't seem to realise is that after a certain point, you weren't the only ones in control any more. Sometimes all four of you would be online and still the game would come up with an error message - one that only you would read fully, the rest would write it off as a Beta Error. Rose reported it to the game studio.

[Player Error: 13/16, awaiting completion. Stand by.]

13/16, you realised, was a player counter. You were still waiting for three of the "trolls" to come online. Occasionally it would come up with 15/16 and then you'd be thrown into the game straight to one of the trolls apologising.

None of your human players seemed to notice the correlation. You're pretty sure your three friends just think the trolls were part of the game, NPCs made as a construct to make your game more interesting and more immersive, but at the beginning you got to choose the race of your team, and no other walkthroughs of Human teams mention having a team of voice-acted troll NPCs fighting with them.

You think they hacked in.

The sickness isn't showing any signs of subsiding and your breathing gets faster as you look at the credits screen. You know they're out there, you know they're actual living people and you... You didn't get...

You wrench off your headset and throw it down on your keyboard, resting your head in your hands. You can still hear them talking, laughing and joking. As you pull on your shoes and head out of your bedroom you can hear John asking you when the next game you told him about is coming out but you ignore him; heading up to the roof for some fresh air.

You sit down on the edge of the roof carefully, dangling one leg over the side as you take out your phone. Maybe if you try adding some of them on instant messenger...?

You type in 'carcinoGeneticist' and cross your fingers. A sad face appears on the screen with the words "contact not found" and you mentally kick yourself. Of course their ingame screen names won't be their actual screen names, the trolls were based on the zodiac, so obviously they did their screen names to match. You growl quietly in frustration, looking out over the bright streetlights and the slightly orange-tinted night sky. It's cool, tonight.

Your phone buzzes just as you're putting it back in your pocket and you almost fall off your perch. Rose is calling you, you barely have time for a confused 'hello' before she's speaking.

"They're part of our local area network." She says, whispering presumably to avoid detection from her mother.

"What?" You ask, "Who are, what network?"

She sighs, "Alright so you know we had to pick places to live when we started up the game?" You hum in agreement, you'd all chosen either where you were born, or where your parents lived before, "Well the other players had no way of knowing that we all live in the same town for that reason. But they couldn't have entered our session without _also_ living here. They're here. They're in town."

You stay silent, gripping your phone tightly as you look out over the New Jersey landscape. They're here. Rose knows they're here.

"Dave are you listening?!"

You glance down at a street at random, maybe one of them has walked down there? Maybe that coffee shop is one someone frequents? "Yeah, I'm listening. So how do we find them?"

She talks of IP addresses and public records, and you kind of tune out and let her talk. You don't want to _stalk_ anyone, you just want to find the friends you made over the last few months and ask if they maybe want to hang out in real life? You know they're not going to have made their characters look like themselves - though yourself and your friends tried your best, John couldn't find anything close enough to his mass of tangled hair and Rose couldn't find any ponytail options. You pretty much nailed your character, though, you're hoping that helps when you eventually do find the trolls...

She leaves the conversation with a promise to get back to you on her progress, saying she's trying to first track down the 'trolls' she believes used their real names, and working from there as they clearly all knew eachother. You wish her luck and make her promise to keep you updated.


	2. Chapter 2

You spend the next three days rotating between covering lunch shifts at the bookstore, proof-reading one of Rose's novels, sleeping and worrying. Rose's novel is actually quite good, for a first draft, although her stuff always seems to get much better once she's read your reviews - even though your reviews are usually nothing to do with the story itself and more, as she calls it, "artistic inspiration". You smile to yourself as you click 'edit' and draw another dick in the corner of the page.

Your phone buzzes on the corner of your desk and you almost don't notice it, picking up just one ring before your voicemail would have taken it.

"Yo."

"I've found Kanaya."

It takes you ten minutes to get to Rose's house, and once you've met her there it takes the two of you fifteen minutes to find Kanaya's - a small townhouse down in the more rural end of town. The other two don't know you're doing this, Rose tells you they're still fully convinced the trolls were nothing more than a nice touch added to the game.

The door is a quiet shade of green, which almost makes Rose smile. You stand by the gate, pulling your scarf tighter against the cool morning air and re-adjusting your shades. Rose pauses at the door, glancing back to you and waiting for your thumbs-up before she knocks.

A middle aged, smiling woman answers the door, all cliché oven gloves and apron as she looks at Rose and then at yourself. Her tanned skin and the headscarf draped over her shoulders indicates arab heritage, and when she speaks her accent confirms it.

"Yes darlings, what can I do for you?"

Rose almost stumbles, "Excuse me, is your daughter here?"

The woman beams, nodding before turning to call over her shoulder, "Kanaya! Guests!"

There's the sound of things being knocked over up the stairs behind the woman, and you take note of Rose flinching slightly, stowing that little gem away for later use. The woman waves to you both before disappearing back towards what is presumably the kitchen as a young girl of around your age, possibly a little older, takes her place at the door, her eyes scanning over yourself and then Rose before widening. Her hair is loosely curled and longer than it was in the game, and her skin is not grey but a light tan, and she has no horns, but when she speaks you know this is Kanaya, and she is very happy to see you both.

"Oh my goodness." She says - she's wearing jeans and a tshirt, which surprised you already, but she steps down onto the concrete barefoot and embraces Rose with such force that you yourself from ten feet away are almost knocked over.

She runs to excuse herself to her mother and grab her shoes before following the two of you to Rose's house. Her own mother is out working so the three of you settle in the lounge and laugh about how far you've all come. Well, Rose and Kanaya laugh about how far you've all come, you sit and watch them and wait for someone to tell you where the fuck your best friend is so you can go beat the shit out of him for not contacting you already. It's not like your screen name's any different. You tried his, why wouldn't he try yours..?

Rose speaks louder for the next part, which indicates you should start listening, "So do you know where the rest of them are? I know everyone must be fairly close by, one of you had to use a local area network connection to insert yourselves into our game session."

"Ah, yes, well. That was one of Kat's friends I'm afraid. Managed to track down a signal and _'hack in'_ as he claimed."

"Kat?" You say, before realising you'd said that out loud and rolling with it, "As in Karkat?"

She smiles, but it doesn't seem like a comfortable one, "Yes, Karkat. I was wondering when you'd bring that topic up, Dave. Karkat's actually an old school friend of mine, cousin by marriage."

"I think Dave's been wanting to find him." Rose clarifies, smiling at you as you frown, "You don't happen to know where he is today, do you?"

"I'm not sure where Karkat is today, no, but probably at home. I can give you the address?" She looks uncomfortable, glancing at Rose.

"Should Dave go by himself?"

"Yes, probably. Too many people might be a bad idea, given the situation."

"Situation? What situation?" You ask, feeling the tension in the room getting thicker and tighter, like being pushed through the foam rollers at those kiddy funhouses.

"Just be aware that whatever you're picturing Karkat to look like is probably entirely wrong, and don't make any expectations or look shocked when you get there."

You speak before you can stop yourself, anger rising at the fact Kanaya would assume you're as shallow as you pretend to be, "What is he like, majorly disfigured or something? Would I no longer want to be his friend?"

"Nothing like that, Dave, just don't try and make Karkat into the Karkat you knew in-game." Kanaya clarifies, thanking Rose when she hands her a pen and paper to write down the address. You push the anger aside, breathing deeply, "Maybe leave it for today, I've checked and..." She pauses, looking at her phone, "No, still not online, so there won't be anyone to greet you when you get there."

You take the folded paper, tucking it in your jacket pocket and resigning yourself to listening to their conversations for the remainder of the day. It turns out the only members of the team Kanaya knows in real life are Karkat and Vriska - or, real name Vanessa. Turns out most of the troll players used screen names to allow for the character limit of their race. You and the other human players were lucky enough to have names that could be shortened to four letters for the human character limit.

Vriska - or, _Vanessa_ , but she began using her screen name in real life so people at her college would stop calling her 'Van' or 'Nessie', though apparently they've just started calling her Brisket instead - lives fairly near where John does, down by the school near the center of town. Equius, someone who Kanaya isn't sure of his real name, is actually her older brother. Neither of them call him anything but 'Equius' or 'Eq' in their group calls. You find this creepy and fairly amusing. Kanaya says that when Karkat and his friend - who you all know as Sollux - recruited the teams, they went with everyone who had previously been in their group chat. Not many of them had met, however, which made working together to beat the game harder than it should have been.

Once they'd completed their game, they decided they didn't want to embrace the credit screen just yet, and so they all attached themselves to the nearest game session the servers could find for them: yours. They became your virus.

You leave Rose's at around six that evening, heading back home as Kanaya heads back to whatever wonders her mother was cooking for herself and her siblings tonight. The evening is darker than usual, and the cold lets you know winter is still lingering in the air.

You get home and your brother isn't in. The guardian based off of him that you had in-game was somewhat unruly and challenging, but in reality he hasn't been like that in quite some time. Dirk is his name, and you're glad the game later allowed you to name him that, but he hasn't been aggressively ironic in quite a few years. He got a job, for one thing, and the apartment complex is full of "too many nice folk" to "cause a hoo-ha about nothin'".

You make yourself some microwave dinner and go to bed, placing the folded up address on your bedside table ready for the morning.

____________________________________________________________________

You don't remember falling asleep, but you know the sound of your phone attempting to wake you up. You almost roll over and swipe the alarm off so you can sleep longer, but your hand lands on a folded piece of paper instead. You stop, momentarily, listening to the sound of your alarm as the light floods in against your eyes. You tap the paper and swipe at your phone, silencing it as you pull yourself out of bed. Got to get up, you've got to get up because today's the day.

You're going to see Karkat.

You dress quickly, unashamedly trying to find the clothes you based your in-game outfit on so there's more of a chance he'll know it's you. You grab your scarf, fingerless gloves and a jacket, tapping the address from the paper into the Maps app on your phone as you head out the door and down into the street. He's far enough away that you have to catch a bus, but you know it'll be worth it once you get there. You recieve a text from Kanaya just as you step on the bus, letting you know Karkat is definitely home.

The journey only takes around fifteen minutes, and you're left with a short walk before you'll apparently reach his house. It's definitely not the quietest or nicest end of town, but it's homely. You turn a corner and you feel as though you know which one is Karkat's house without even looking at the numbers. It's a row of houses, all fairly small but with small gaps between each one allowing for a gate to the back yard. Most of the front lawns are mowed to within an inch of their life but there's one where the weeds outweight the flowers almost deliberately, where the otherwise hated plants have been allowed to grow and take over the garden and the fence with bright bursts of colour and spines. Ivy grows calmly up the side of the house, as if it were invited to be there. You doublecheck the number on the mail box, as if it would even be necessary. Number 62. This is it.

Kanaya had called him 'Kat' and seemed quite uncomfortable saying 'Karkat' so you're not entirely sure who you're asking for when the door does open. You'll just wing it. "Is your son in" might do, otherwise "hey I'm your kid's internet friend can you go grab him for me please, kay-thanks-bye!"

You knock, the sickness in your stomach tying you in knots for every second you wait.

When the door opens, someone definitely answers, but... You're not sure who this is. You struggle for a moment as a pair of angry eyes on a pale face and a head of messy black hair comes into view. The soft features and how this person holds themself... You're... Still holding your breath. You need to remember to breathe. The second it takes you to process everything seems to drag on forever. This person clutching tightly at the door handle, you're not sure what to call them. For once in your life, you're not sure on someone's gender. They're stood in red skinny jeans and a loose fitting black tshirt and they're staring.

When they speak, their voice is lighter than it was in-game, but no less rough.

"Dave?"

"Karkat." You respond, the name falling off your tongue almost as if it were a sigh of relief.

"Shit, I-" Karkat stutters, glancing back into the house and tugging the neck of his- her- their? t-shirt so it's no longer exposing their shoulder and a thick strip of grey fabric.

A call from inside, something you like to call a New-Jersey-Momma voice, "Kathy, is there someone at the door honey?!"

"Just a friend, mom!" Karkat - Kathy? - calls back, before turning to you, "I can explain-"

"Yeah that might be necessary at this point."

"Yeah, can we just..." they trail off, glancing back, "Not here?"

"Sure, man. Wherever." You say honestly, because you really do need to understand and if Karkat doesn't want to talk here you won't force it.

Karkat grabs a jacket and tells his (? your head's starting to hurt) mom to fuck off when she asks where you're going. She sighs as loud as possible but doesn't push it further. You walk for a while in silence, taking note of how Karkat's a good few inches shorter than you and how their shoes look absolutely tiny next to yours.

"I'm sorry." Karkat states, then, continuing to walk.

"For what?" You ask, and you're genuinely confused. You just want to know what to call them.

"My- my birth name's Katherine. Karkat's my screen name. I was kind of hoping you wouldn't find the first bit out but my mom..."

Your head does a 360 for a moment as you try and work all that out in your mind. Karkat. Kathy. Karkat isn't Kathy. Kathy is Karkat's mom's daughter. That's not Karkat. That's Karkat. Kathy is Karkat but Karkat is more Karkat than Kathy is.

"What do you want me to call you?" You ask simply, taking off your shades and undoing your scarf so you can tuck in into the neckline of your baseball top.

"What?"

"I asked what you want me to call you. I don't give a shit what your _'birth name'_ is so tell me what you want me to call you."

"Karkat," He says easily, "Male or neutral pronouns, please."

"Alright, glad we've established that. Didn't need to make a fucking production out of it, I've been calling you Karkat and a guy for months now anyway." You say, nudging him with your elbow and laughing when he glares at you.

"Ew, you're smiling in person. I'm not sure I can let you do that." Karkat says, then, grinning up at you. Even through the soft features and long eyelashes you can see the bro you made in-game.

"I'm gonna have to paint you grey and get you some horns to stick on, I'm not sure I can get used to you being a human."

He does this horrible little bark-laugh, "You've known me for all of five minutes and you're already planning on putting stuff on my body? Bit forward, Strider."

"Whoa now, fuck right off, first of all I've known you for months, and second of all we're in a public place, keep your desperate otherkin fantasies in check, Vantas."

"You're the one talking about dressing me up like my fictional avatar, weirdo. Also I am definitely changing my last name to Vantas, I don't care if it's a prostate cancer drug."

"Your last name isn't even Vantas?!" You feign shock, do your most hurt-filled espression as he tries to shove you in the hedge as you turn a corner.

"It's Vanisse, asshole. Is your real name Dave Strider?" He says, a hint of sarcasm in his voice where he doesn't even need it.

"Yes actually. David E Strider. Pleased to meet you."

"What does the 'E' stand for?" He grins, leaning right up in your personal space.

"We don't talk about that."

You walk and chat easily, and by the time you've been round the entire block and you're back to Karkat's house he's stopped looking so uncomfortable being outside with you. You exchange actual contact details, and after you disapprove of his "stupid" instant messenger handle he promises to grab carcinoGeneticist before anyone else gets the chance.

"I'll get Alex to do it for me, he can swap over all my contacts that way, too."

"Alex?" You ask, raising an eyebrow. Karkat grins.

"Sollux. Alex. Same thing."

You like that, hearing the trolls have actual human names, "Let's add everyone to a group chat later on, John and Jade don't even know you guys are real people yet so it would be hilarious."

"What about Rose?" Karkat asks, "Or... Kanaya. Right, okay. That's how you found me, obviously... Should have realised." He trails off, shoulders hunching slightly and revealing that strip of grey fabric as his jacket pulls his tshirt off his shoulder again.

"You alright?" You ask, pulling his jacket back up for him and pretending not to notice his surprise, "Not jealous we found Kan first, right?"

"No, what the fuck? That would be stupid."

"Yeah it would, seeing as the first think I asked her was where you were. She looked a little offended, actually. And kind of uncomfortable about telling me where you were..."

"Yeah she's a bit like that. She's fine calling me Karkat in-game because it's always my character, but otherwise it's a little difficult. I don't know."

You make a noise of dismissal, looking down the road that leads you to the bus stop. You nod your head in that direction and Karkat follows you, rubbing his hands together to fight back the cold air.

"Fingerless gloves do absolutely fucking nothing, why do I even bother?" He asks out loud, and you wave your own hands in his face.

"Because they look cool and I can type with them on. Here," You say, unwinding your scarf completely and dropping it around Karkat's neck, "Stop looking so cold, it's heartbreaking."

"Fuck you," Karkat says, wrapping the scarf around himself anyway and walking the whole way to the bus stop with you.

You've got a few minutes until the next bus so you sit down on the bench, looking up at Karkat when he just stands in front of the bench, unsure. You ask him what's wrong and he says not to worry about it. You make him promise he'll be online later on and he shrugs. Your bus is here, he points out, so you make a point of hugging him and make the short trip back home.


	3. Chapter 3

When you get online that night, he's nowhere to be seen. five of the other eleven trolls make it online, and all four humans, but when you ask about Karkat, none of them seem to know where he is. John and Jade are still trying to get over the fact they're all real people by the time you're signing out to go to bed.

You fire off a quick text to Karkat while you get changed, demanding that seeing as he couldn't get his ass online he's coming out with you to see people tomorrow instead. He replies with a reluctant "fine" and nothing else. You text him your address and to be here at ten and he says nothing else.

He's there at ten, for sure, but he's not himself.

He turns up with his hoodie pulled up over his face and a bag on his back, and when you open your door he storms past you and asks where the bathroom is. You grab his arm as he shoves past, asking what's wrong.

"She wouldn't let me leave dressed how I was despite the fact I'm fucking nineteen years old, so I'm changing here. Problem?" Karkat practically growls, and you can safely say you have definitely missed that noise. You almost smile before realising he's dressed in girl's shorts and his chest is a little less flat than usual, but not by much. Karkat looks hurt, "Take a picture, asshole, it'll last longer."

"No, Karkat, I just didn't realise what you meant." You say, letting go of his arm. You're not sure you're ever going to do this right, "Bathroom's straight down the hall."

You knock on your brother's bedroom door to let him know you're leaving, but he just grumbles at you not to leave any lights on. By the time you've made sure you have your wallet, keys and phone, Karkat comes out of the bathroom looking a little more like Karkat in baggy jeans and a band shirt. He throws his baggy hoodie on over the top and grabs his wallet and your scarf out of his bag.

"We good?" You ask, meaning it in more ways than one.

"Fuck you. Let's go." Karkat says, kicking his bag into the room he can plainly see is yours before heading over with you to the door. You take that as a yes.

You're meeting the others at the mall in the centre of town, and by the time the bus has turned up late and Karkat's taken the two of you off-track so many times you're starting to doubt it was accidental, you're forty minutes late. Your three friends are stood impatiently by the fountain and when he sees them Karkat stops walking entirely.

"Karkat man c'mon." You urge him, reaching for his arm. He steps backwards.

"They'll know." He says, looking up at you. His voice wavered slightly, as if the effort he put in to keeping it Karkat is giving in.

"They'll only know if you tell them," You say, unsure of your own words, "and even if they clock you who cares? They're not gonna be assholes."

"They might."

"They won't."

"What if they are, though? What then, Strider?" Karkat asks, and you can tell he's being serious but you don't know what to tell him.

"Then we'll deal with it, but just give them a chance."

You make your way over to the group, ignoring the fact they could see you arguing and Rose is staring pointedly at the two of you as you approach. You greet them easily, Karkat holding back and rolling his hands up inside his sleeves, tugging at them to the point they're moving your scarf from around his neck through the tension. You resist the urge to fix it for him.

"Karkat?" John asks, and all Karkat has to do is nod before everyone throws themselves at him - well, John and Jade do. Rose hangs back and sidles up to you, giving you The Look. You pointedly ignore her in favour of making sure John doesn't crush Karkat.

"You're tiny!" Jade squeals as you pry her off of the small hug pile forming before you, "I didn't think you'd actually be this tiny! You're adorable!"

"I thought you'd be, you know!" John says as you pull him off, your grip on his arm tightens as you pull him back.

Karkat's jaw tightens and he glances at you. Stealth mode, you're not saying a thing. His voice deepens and roughens as he speaks, "No, I don't know, John. What did you think I would be?"

John doesn't get time to answer, Rose is already pushing you all towards the coffee shop to your right, blabbering excuses and timetables and scolding you loudly to mask john's confusion at what just happened. You all sit down in what Rose always refers to as 'her' booth and send John up with your orders.

"I'm sorry about John." You hear Rose say to Karkat, sat between the two of you, as soon as she notices Jade distracted looking at the small drinks menu on the table.

"It's fine." He says, shifting slightly closer to you and opting for looking over your shoulder as you play games on your phone instead of interacting with anyone else. When John comes back and the conversations start up it's clear that Karkat wants nothing to do with today, so you hand him your phone and dare him to beat your high scores as you talk to your friends about the coming week and everyone's plans.

During the week you meet up with the others three times and video chat with Karkat on a nightly basis. He's not very willing to come out with you all but he does it anyway which you really appreciate. Every now and then you'll go with him to Sollux/Alex's house to play videogames to make up for how shitty John can be with gender issues. John seems completely oblivious to how rude he's being, and though you know ignorance isn't an excuse when people are actively trying to educate you, you don't have the heart to be too mad at him?

At least, not until a group chat one night where Karkat logs in late, you're sat shirtless in your room chatting with the others when he comes online, jumping in instantly as he knows he can. His video box pops up and he's sat there in his jeans and binder looking absolutely exhausted. John's the first to react.

"Uh, Karkat? Have you got a shirt or something to put on?"

The whole chat goes from companionable to silent in 0.5 seconds. Good job, John Egbert.

"Why should he put a shirt on, I haven't got a shirt on." You say casually, before attempting to go back to your live review of Rose's latest chapter, but John presses on.

"Well yeah but like, you're a guy."

"John!" Rose actually yells, she yells for the first time in weeks and Karkat looks the most unstable mix of angry and hurt and you can see him reaching for the exit button.

"Karkat wait. John, Karkat's just as much of a guy as us. We've been over this."

"I don't know it just seems like if Karkat has to wear that thing in order to not have boobs..."

"Fuck off, John." You blink at the screen, at Karkat's hurt face and Rose and Jade's panicked stares. He continues, "Literally just fuck off. Don't tell me what I am, you're not my fucking mom."

A blink and he's gone, logged out.

"Nice one, Egbert." You say, anger boiling in the pit of your stomach as you slam down on the exit button, Rose's new chapter minimised and forgotten in your taskbar.

You pick up your phone and dial Karkat's number, standing up and heading to your window as it rings out. You wait and wait, before getting to the voicemail. You ring again, and again, and again, until you've lost count of how many times you've hit redial and you're laying back on your duvet next to the warm patch your laptop fan always leaves and still all you hear is ringing and ringing... You consider leaving a voicemail as you hit redial again.

"What."

You sit up as he answers, his voice rougher than usual, you reply with a lame "Hey."

"Is that it? You called me thirty-seven times to say _hey_?" He sounds annoyed with you, now, which you're not okay with or even kind of prepared for. You thought this would be a bro heart-to-heart like you always managed to have in-game but apparently that's not an option.

"No, I just don't know what to say now you've actually answered."

"Oh."

You sit in silence for a while, just listening to the sound of breathing coming through your phone. Karkat says nothing and you say nothing, just being there seems to be enough to keep him calm, which you're grateful for.

"Do you wanna come over tomorrow?" You find yourself asking, your voice betraying your tiredness to your friend on the other end of the phone.

"Yeah." Karkat replies, impossibly quiet in the silence the two of you have created.


	4. Chapter 4

You're not sure how long you lay there for, your phone by your ear, but the next thing you know you're being woken up by your brother telling you he's going to work and you have a friend waiting in the living room. You ask him "what" but he just grins at you and leaves your door open, yelling "go on in, he's decent" to your guest.

Karkat peeks his head around your door, looking at you in amusement, "Did you seriously fall asleep with your phone right by your face you absolute loser?"

"Fuck off." You tell him, flipping him off and rolling over. He sits down on the edge of your bed and shoves at you, telling you to get the fuck up and be entertaining or he's just going to go home. You threaten to tie him up in the closet and try not to laugh when he says he'd feel "right at home and a little turned on, go for it." - Suddenly it's back to normal and you're making him breakfast in your tiny understocked kitchen.

You spend most of the day in town, wandering through the crowds and attempting to find a seat in the cafés, drinks bars and milkshake parlours scattered around the main shopping mall. You eventually drop back in the milkshake bar - the one that will blend literally any food into a milkshake, and if they don't have what you're after they'll go and grab it from the store for you - and grab your drinks to go, opting to walk around until you find a free patch of wall to sit on outside.

It's getting warmer outside, now, so when you eventually find a wall by the fountain to sit on and the sun is pounding down on the back of your neck, you can almost feel yourself burning.

"It's really warm out." Karkat states, pulling at the sleeves of his hoodie uncomfortably.

"Then take your fucking jacket off you loser." You point out, sipping at your creme egg milkshake and squinting at the sky behind your shades.

Karkat calls you several colourful names and manages to insult three of your hobbies as he takes his hoodie off, shoving it in your bag before you can protest. He glowers at you before returning to his own (boring) strawberry milkshake, hunching over to rest his elbows on his knees. You can see his thin frame through the fabric of his oversized red tshirt, the rises where his binder covers his sharp shoulderblades, the curve of his ribcage. You can see him breathing.

"Oi, fagatron!"

You blink as you look up, automatically responding to your high school nickname and mentally kicking yourself for it as you recieve the grins of three boys you'd been successfully ignoring for over a year.

"Did you just answer to _fagatron_?" Karkat asks you quietly, and you can't bring yourself to answer.

"What do you want, Andy?" You call over to the leader of the pack, stood there attempting to smirk at you and failing miserably.

"No need to be such a prick about it!" He calls, and you're about to point out he just called you 'fagatron' when he continues, "Asking if you're going to the little reunion on Friday, actually. We seem to be missing the Loser Crew from the reply pile."

"Nah think I'll give it a miss." You say as they step closer, Andy looking at Karkat as he approaches. Karkat meets him with an even stare.

"Shame, could have brought your little boyfriend with you." Andy sneers, more to Karkat than to you, and you can see Karkat trying not to smile.

"Maybe next time." You shrug, smiling as Andy's backup begins to look visibly bored at how the situation is progressing, "Make sure to invite me if you have any massive homosexual orgy parties, yeah? Invite the girls too if you're nervous, I ain't picky."

"You're fucked up, Strider." Andy laughs, waving you off as he turns, "Catch you later."

You call a 'seeya boys' after them in the most high pitched Southern Dame voice you can muster and Karkat bursts out laughing. You grin at him and steal his milkshake, just enjoying the sound of his stupid choking-bird laugh and the sunshine and the fact you and your old classmates can still butt heads without it getting serious, and today's starting to seem far too perfect. Karkat breathes deeply.

"He thought I was your boyfriend." He says, still grinning as he tries to fight his milkshake back out of your grasp, before settling for taking yours instead, "He said boyfriend, you heard him right?"

"Well yeah what else would he have said? If people don't have homo insinuations what do they have?"

"He could have said girlfriend." Karkat points out, elbowing you for being an idiot. You shrug, sucking at the straw of his milkshake and wincing when you suck up a bit of actual strawberry.

"Well yeah but that would have been stupid. I mean no offense man but even if you were a girl you wouldn't be very good at it."

Karkat seems happy with that response, luckily not questioning the fact you didn't bother to correct Andy's assumption that the two of you are together. You're not sure whether you let it slide because you couldn't be bothered to correct him or because the idea's starting to not look so weird in your mind. You'll be the first to admit that all your ingame come-ons towards Karkat were only half ironic, and that you were a little overeager to find him in real life... But as you spend more days with him; as he sits in on your shifts at work and tells you everything you're doing wrong, as he videochats you every night regardless of whether either of you want to or even do talk, and as he's currently kicking you in the leg lightly and rhythmically as you drink eachothers' milkshakes, you're starting to think you've been thrown in to something pretty fucking special.

Karkat stays over that night, and the two of you end up sprawled over the couch in shorts and tshirts watching every kids film you can find on Netflix, which turns out to be alot. Your brother comes home at around seven to find the two of you sharing a bag of doritos and singing along to Frozen.

You join in the nightly video chat from your seats on the couch, Karkat leaning heavily on your shoulder and paying more attention to the television than anyone on the laptop screen. You give up balancing the laptop on your knees for fear of frying your leg hair on the overheating fan and balance it on three books on the coffee table instead.

"Where were you guys today, anyway?" Jade asks, "We all went over to Rose's for crafts, I tried to call you guys to remind you but you didn't answer your phone!"

You give Karkat the side-eyed glance of a man relieved, before putting on your best "sorry" face and letting Jade know the two of you had to go get some stuff for your brother and lost track of time, but you'll definitely be at the next crafts day. Karkat tries to hide his laughter by pretending to choke on his cola, only actually succeeding in actually choking on his cola, and the group chat dissolves into a flurry of insults directed at the two of you.

You fall asleep on the couch that night, stretched out together on the brown corded fabric. Karkat doesn't even try not to lay on you; he comes back from the bathroom unbound and "100% more comfortable and able to breathe", before turning at the arm of the couch and dropping backwards so he lands his entire body right on your entire body - if he were any heavier than eight stone he might have actually injured you.

You don't even try to move yourself, laying stretched out with your arms folded behind your head as you let him try and find somewhere to lay that isn't all over you. He can't. You've won. He growls for the first time since the game, and you feel yourself grin before you can stop it from appearing on your face.

"Seriously Strider stop fucking smiling. You made a point of not smiling, not smiling was like your thing." Karkat says, pausing with his arm on your chest, propping him up. You could kiss him right now if you wanted to. He stays there as you shrug, leaning your head back against your arms and closing your eyes, you arch your back and breathe in deeply, lifting Karkat even as he tries to push back down, "My mom would kill me if she knew I was here."

"What, you didn't tell her you were coming?" You ask, moving your shoulderblades to click your spine before dropping back down, almost laughing as Karkat is knocked off balance and almost faceplants your chest.

"Well yeah, I told her I was coming to see you, but I told her other people were here and that I'd be staying on the couch."

"You are on the couch." You point out.

" _Alone_ on the couch." He clarifies, using that tone that translates as _'you are so stupid even your breath falls down.'_

Oh. Well then. You shift, starting to get up, "Alright I'll go sleep in my room. You want a blanket?"

Karkat grips your tshirt with his short nails, "Move and I hurt you."

"Kinky."

"It could be."

You lay there, half of your back off the couch and your arms behind you holding you up. Karkat is still propped up on your chest, his grey eyes level with yours as the two of you create a challenge, one that neither of you is ready to take up and neither of you knows whether it's ironic or bordering on Very Serious. There are several things you can do right now as you stare into his angry, challenging eyes, but only one of them appeals to you at that moment.

You blow a puff of air in his face and shove him off your chest as he blinks, rolling off the couch and landing on the carpet with a thud on your hands and knees. He's yelling expletives at you as you run around the back of the couch, laughing as he tries to scramble over and chase you. You pelt down the corridor and ignore your brother telling the two of you to shut the fuck up as your feet hit linoleum and you barricade yourself in the bathroom.

Karkat slams his weight against the door, laughing and yelling at you to "open the fucking door, you literal horse's ass!" - you refuse, settling down on the other side of the door and fighting back laughs as Karkat rattles the handle and bangs on the door.

Your brother shouts again and Karkat actually stops and apologises, which makes you start laughing again. Karkat calls you an ass (again, he's running out of new material) and you hear him sit down, resting back against the door behind you. You wait until he's quiet before sitting up and turning, unlocking the door as silently as possible and pausing with your hand on the doorhandle. You pull backwards so that the door barely skims your knees, shuffling forwards just in time to stop Karkat hurtling into the floor. He yelps as he fall backwards, your hands catching his shoulders and your grinning face peeking over into the edge of his vision. He looks like a rabbit caught in headlights and it is honestly your favourite thing. You pat him on the back and pull him up off the floor with you.

"Come on, stop fucking around and go to bed." You say, turning off the bathroom light and walking back down to the living room. He swears at you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to brag.
> 
> That's it, I'm just not going to brag.
> 
> I am quite happy with how this one's turning out, though!
> 
> xo T


	5. Chapter 5

So as it turns out, Karkat's family is the kind that still go and visit eachother during the holidays, even if that holiday is Easter, so you're stuck spending the day with Sollux without the joy of a third player to team up against. The two of you quickly decided that going 1-on-1 wasn't a good idea for your team spirit, and instead switched to Online to slaughter the masses of noobs who thought they knew every hiding place in the new maps.

You don't often play first person shooters, but when you do, you play with Sollux and you're fucking pro at it.

"So what's the deal with you and K-K?" He asks, not even looking up from the screen, "they talk about you loads when you're not here."

Sollux and the other members of the troll team always use neutral pronouns for Karkat, you've noticed, and it's something that's very easy to do in response and keeps the conversations easier because you never misunderstand who you're speaking about. Karkat even said they like neutral pronouns, you sometimes wonder if they prefer them. You make a mental note to ask.

"They're awesome, nicer in person than they were in sburb." You clarify, wincing as the edges of your screen begin pulsing with red splatters. You crouch down behind an oil drum.

"Well yeah, having to take charge of eleven shitheads who don't know what they're doing will do that to a person." Sollux laughs, throwing a just-tossed grenade away from your oil drums as he sprints past. You see him run his hand through his fringe out of the corner of your eye, messing up his already pretty depressing hair in the process - it gave off the impression that it had once started out as a kind of golden-brown maternally induced bowl cut, but due to prolonged exposure to videogames and energy drinks had since evolved into something much, much worse.

"Thanks," You say, "Yeah they don't talk much about your session. I wouldn't either to be honest, some of your lot are a little..."

You pause, letting the sound of gunfire and explosions fill the room for a moment as the two of you try and think of the right word. You glance back at Sollux, the TV screen reflected in his glasses as he smiles. You turn back to the screen.

"Unconventional." He finishes for you, before deciding he's not finished and continuing, "Weird. Psychotic. Emotionally unstable. A little bit racist."

"Yeah, those."

"I mean, some of them are alright," He continues, launching his character off a three-storey building and only wincing a little bit at the crunch, groan and damage-indicating blood splatter that followed, "Like Kanaya's alright, and Rhianna is pretty chill once you get to know her and realise she's not actually a ghost summoning maniac... Have you really met anyone else?"

"Not really, only seen a couple others in the group chats, when they decide to join in. You, Karkat and Kanaya seem to be the only ones willing to actually come out."

"Yeah, they're a little antisocial. I mean K-K's a little antisocial too but you've managed to get them to at least start going outside, so there's a bonus for everyone."

"Yeah..." You trail off, quickscoping DangerMan666 just before he sneaks up to where Sollux is perched.

"Thanks," He says, "But nah, if you're gonna meet any of the others bring me or K-K with you, safer that way."

"Yeah that probably won't be a thing, got enough to deal with with my own group, y'know?" You finish lamely.

"Yeah. if John keeps up that shit he was pulling in the chat last night can you shove something sharp down his throat?" Sollux is referring to a comment John had made about Karkat the previous evening when they weren't even there to defend themselves. John simply hadn't known any better and began, instead, asking Sollux some very personal questions to try and "understand" Karkat's situation.

"He doesn't know what he's saying half the time," You sigh, "We try and we try to correct him but it just goes straight through his fucking ears or something, it's stupid."

"He's stupid. Sharp object down the throat." Sollux says cheerily, interrupted by a high-pitched call of 'Alex!' from his grandmother in the next room, he calls out in reply.

"Is your friend staying for dinner? It's in five!"

Sollux looks to you, you shake your head, "Nah man, I should probably be off soon anyway."

"Nah Gran he's alright." Sollux calls towards the kitchen.

You leave just as the wafting smell of sausage casserole fills the house, and breathe in the cold evening air deeply and greedily. You love going to Sollux's house, but it smells so strongly of musk and lavender that you begin to miss even the sweaty smell of your brother's room, or the smell of the kitchen after three days of the two of you forgetting that you have to manually do the washing up and clean plates don't actually just appear out of nowhere.

You walk home, enjoying the freedom and the time to think. You wonder what Karkat's up to, and then you remember this is the 21st century and you don't have to wonder, firing off a quick message to him and awaiting the usually instant response you get.

You get a response almost 20 minutes later, just as you pass the park. It's a picture of the side of Karkat's face looking terrified over his shoulder at his mum and aunt in the background, fawning over a puffy-frilly Daz-white abomination of a wedding dress. You laugh out loud into the empty street. He texts a follow-up message in all-caps and you're not sure if you're allowed to laugh at the urgency of it:

_'THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME TRY ON A PINK ONE.'_

_'oh shit'_ you reply, _'actual wedding or they fucking around?'_

The reply is instant and clearly panicked, accompanied with a picture of him hiding in a dressing room, _'Actual wedding. My aunt has found a willing male. I have three months until I am forced into some stupid flowery abomination to God and forced to stand and look pretty while a photographer calls me sweetheart and I launch myself off the pier into the abyssal waters.'_

 _'i'll come with,'_ You reply, followed by a picture of you with your eyes closed and your fist facing outwards by your face, _'as god is my witness, i will not let you go through that alone.'_

You don't get a reply before you reach your house, or before you get changed and into bed, but just as you're about to fall asleep in your dark room, your screen lights up and your eyes snap open reflexively. If it had been anyone other than Karkat messaging you, you would probably have fucked them up. You burrow further into your thin blanket as you read.

_'You're awesome. The dress looks fucking awful. I'll show you the picture when I get back later this week.'_

_'bet you look better in it than i would bro'_ You reply, tired eyes barely registering the screen, blurring in and out of focus as you wait for the reply.

_'I look better in most things than you do. Night x'_

_'night xx'_

You set your alarm, shut off your phone, and dream of nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anyone asks: the pronoun changes are intentional.  
> Dave uses neutral pronouns when talking about Karkat with Sollux and the others, and male pronouns when by himself or with Karkat.
> 
> This is going to get pretty vital later on, so keep it loosely in the back of your mind; near where you keep the feeling that you might need to sneeze, just next to the part that takes over when you start blinking manually.
> 
> See you soon.
> 
> xo T


	6. Chapter 6

You spend Thursday with John, Rose and Jade, sat in the café in the shopping mall and pretending not to care about anything Rose was saying. She's talking about publishers and editors, about the possibility that she might be able to get her book out into the world before the end of the year. You're really happy for her, obviously, but if she gets a real editor you won't be able to have an input in her stories like you have for the last four years, and you're not sure why you feel so betrayed at that prospect.

"Rose that's so cool!" Jade squeals, grabbing Rose's arm and grinning, "Is it a big publisher?"

"Not really," Rose admits, cupping her hands around her coffee and tilting her head, "but it's a start! At least now Dave won't have to suffer through my writing, I'll have a real editor to do that for me. Though I think I'll miss the drawings."

"Fuck real editors I love reading your shit." You grumble, pointedly staring out of the window as the steam from your cup fogs up your sunglasses. You can see everyone looking at you in the reflection, "Ironically, obviously, but I'm your editor."

"Well what if Dave's your editor still?" John says, shrugging and tapping loudly at the pinball game on his phone, "Would that make a difference?"

"It would mean I wouldn't have to pay for an editor," Rose states to John, before turning to catch your eye, "only if you're sure, David?"

"Sure as sure can be, Roseanne." You quip back, firing off a mock salute before sipping at your drink - still burning hot, you find, but you manage to stop yourself from visibly wincing. This is why you usually go for the frappuccinos, café-made lattes are dangerous unless you start drinking them in the three minute gap between scalding hot and disgustingly cold. You don't know why they work so differently to the perfect-temperature-forever lattes you make at home.

"That's that settled then, if Dave can find enough time away from his partner he'll edit my work for me." Rose smiles, shooting you a wink as you open your mouth to defend yourself.

"What partner would that be?" You ask, raising your eyebrows above the rim of your glasses and tilting your head in a challenge. John shifts uncomfortably as Jade begins to chuckle.

"The one who just messaged me to ask why you're not answering your phone." Rose smiles and you swear loudly, fumbling behind you for the jacket slung over your chair and extracting your phone from the pocket just as it begins to ring again.

"Not a fucking word." You say, pointing at Rose as you climb over the back of the bench seat and swipe your phone to answer, "Hey."

"Hey!" Karkat answers, and you stop yourself from grinning. You walk out into the street, pausing just before you reach the window your friends are sitting at and turning your back to them as they lean to see you, "Are you alright? I tried calling like four fucking times."

"Yeah sorry, phone was in my jacket," You excuse yourself, casting a glance back at the window where Jade is pulling kissy faces, "I'm out with the guys."

"Yeah I know, saw the selfie Jade posted with you looking pissy in the background."

"She what?" You ask, before deciding you don't care, "Whatever, what's up anyway you don't usually call."

"Yeah, I was trying to tell you we came home a day early. Work called mom back for some emergency so I'm just at home now, but if you're out with your lot..." He trails off and you hold your breath, turning fully towards the window where your friendshave stopped watching you in favour of pointing out a stain on John's shirt, you smile fondly.

"Yeah I kind of owe them a day," You admit, "you can come out with us if you want, though?"

"Nah," He says, maybe a little too fast, "I'll probably just catch up on the sleep I didn't get to be honest, what are you doing tomorrow?"

You frown but don't question him, "Work tomorrow, come chill wih me so I don't lose my mind? We can hang at mine after."

"Sounds good."

"Alright, see you tomorrow man." You say, pushing back through the doors to the café.

"See you tomorrow, asshole."

You bite back a sarcastic _'love you, too'_ when your group turns to face you, instead opting for just hanging up and climbing back into your seat, preferring that to trying to squeeze past John. You pretend not to be worried about Karkat being so adverse to being with your friends; you're getting very good at pretending.

"How is he?" Rose asks, smiling warmly as if she wasn't the spawn of the fucking devil.

"Good, they got home a day early so he was just letting me know." You shrug, sipping at your latte and internally crying with joy when you realise you've caught it just as it reaches drinkable temperature. You try and hide the fact you're gulping it.

"So you're leaving?" John asks casually, but you can see the concern in his eyes.

"Nah, seeing him tomorrow. Figured I owe you guys a day of Strider-love," You grin as Jade winces, "where we going after this?"

"Well, seeing as Dave's postponed a date to be here with us I feel as though we should, as he said, make the most of it while he's here." Rose states, looking around the group as if waiting for a suggestion of activities, "Personally I think we should go back to mine and do a séance. We haven't done anything like that in a while."

"That would be fun! I miss your séances!" Jade says, practically downing the remainder of her drink and slamming the plastic cup back down on the table.

"About as fun as drilling through my skull with a pneumatic drill." You agree, "But why don't we do something actually fun, for once?"

"I'm with Dave on this one guys, I really don't miss the séances." John says, casting Rose an apologetic glance, "We should go to the arcade!"

"There's an idea." You agree, punching John lightly in the arm before drinking down the rest of your now-suddenlly-cold-latte, "Come on, girls, let's go kick all the twelve year olds off the multiplayer games."

The arcade's mostly empty on the weekdays, so you manage to instantly secure your place on the Dance Dance Revolution machine - it recently got some new songs on there and you've been dying to try them out for weeks, now. John tries to dance against you for the first few rounds before tagging Rose in in his place, who actually poses a fair challenge. By the time you're on the fourth playthrough in the finals, you're both disgustingly sweaty and a crowd has formed around the machine. Your legs hurt, and your arms hurt from holding you up on the back bar, but you're not losing to Rose at a dancing game. Except you do. You do lose to her, by 1%. The crowd goes fucking wild and you collapse against the machine, offering Rose a congratulatory fistbump as she makes a point of stepping over you to the drinks machine.

You do, however, absolutely slaughter John at the racing games, overtaking him by at least three laps while he manages to figure out he doesn't get in trouble for driving in the wrong lane or for undertaking the npc drivers or the obstacle ambulances. Cries of _"there isn't a speed limit, John!"_ coming from Jade, stood over the back of his chair and trying to help him catch up with you.

She regains their family honour by destroying your high scores on the sharpshooter games. You accuse John of trying to live vicariously through his cousin's victories as he claims "they" won rather than "Jade" won, but he shrugs you off and sticks his tongue out.

You spot Rose lingering in the arcade doorway on the phone and decide to sneak up behind her. You can hear her talking as you approach, hear the softer tone in her voice and the way she's folded her arms over as one hand holds the phone to her face. You lean up against the pillar diagonally behind her as she finishes up the phonecall, a quiet _'you, too'_ before she lowers the phone and jumps as she sees you.

"Hello, Rose." You say, taking off your glasses and folding them into the neckline of your shirt, "Nice day to be on the phone, isn't it?"

"Dave..." She warns, her tone indicating that if you take it any further she'll turn up the notches on her own teasing tirades.

"Rose..." You mimic, smiling slightly as she closes her eyes, "Come on, you _kan_ tell me anything, _aya_ m your friend, after all."

"It seems you've already made your deductions." She smiles, "Shall we move past this?"

"I'm not sure I can," You sigh, tilting your head up and gazing at the ceiling.

"Okay," Rose begins, a bargaining tone in her voice, "myself and Kanaya are attempting a situation, there it is, out in the open. While I know there isn't really currently anything going on between you and Karkat, I do think you need to talk to someone about the way you look at him when you think he's not paying attention."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean," She says, "you can't treat him like other guys, Dave."

"Of course I can," You say, confused and beginning to feel a little bit angry, who is Rose to tell you what you can and can't do? "Why shouldn't I be able to treat him like any other guy?"

"Dave he's not any other guy, he's the first trans-androgynous person you've met and you don't seem to understand that just because he identifies as himself, it's not that simple in his mind. You have to be careful."

"He's not some china fucking doll, Rose."

"No, he isn't, but doesn't it take you as a little strange that while the ones from his team call him _'they'_ he's never once corrected you for calling him _'he'_? That he has different standards for you than the people he's known for most of his life? He trusts you, Dave."

"Rose can we just drop this, this was meant to be a fun little thing where I tease you about Kanaya and now you're just shitting all over my friendship with Karkat who, for the record, has told me male pronouns are fine. Step off, you're not an actual therapist."

"Fine. We'll leave it for now. I'll be here to help when you need me, though." She insists, "As for myself and Kanaya, do with that information as you wish, _we're_ not going to hide ourselves behind a destructively close friendship for weeks."

You growl under your breath and go to beat John at racing, again. Today was meant to be fun and now you just want to go home.

"What were you and Rose talking about?" John asks as you settle down in the plastic racing chairs, flicking through the setup screens as if he knew what he was doing in the slightest.

"Karkat." You say simply, choosing your default car and a winding track.

"Oh," John says, "About that..."

You hold your breath, closing your unprotected eyes against the bright game screen as you wait for John to be John and just get it over with so you can brush it off and start the game.

"Why can't you just like, go for a normal person?"

You open your eyes and turn your head to face him, expression blank as you ask him to repeat himself.

"Like, just a normal girl or a normal guy, not someone you met in a videogame who turned out to basically be both?" John asks, and you can tell he's having trouble voicing his thoughts but you're so close to just getting out of your seat and leaving the arcade.

"For one thing, me and Karkat ain't a thing," You clarify, settling in for a lecture, "and another thing, why should Karkat's gender even be an issue for you? What makes it so difficult for you to just treat him like you treat me? He's trying his hardest to be everyone's friend and you just keep shouting him down every time he tries to talk to you or join in with us."

"I just think he'd make a cuter girl, is all." John says quiety.

"Well he's not a girl, at the bare minimum he's neither and at most he's my best bro so deal with it." You say shortly, "Now can we just race already? Why is everyone jumping down my throat about this?"

"Rose is worried you're gonna hurt him." Jade says from your other side, and you _almost_ jump.

"Well I'm not." You clarify, "Now can we drop this and start the game already? I came out here to hang out with you guys, not be subjected to the Spanish Inquisition regarding my lovelife."

"Alright," John shrugs, "just let me beat you at racing instead, then."

You grin at that, back to normal for now, shaking the gear stick experimentally as the race countdown starts, "You fucking wish, Egbert. You fucking wish."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a roll, and those of you who are up-to-date will know why.  
> If you're not up to date, don't read my P.S.
> 
> xo T
> 
> ~~P.S. IT'S HAPPENING. THEY'RE WATCHING DANE COOK MOVIES AND PLAYING HOPSCOTCH AND DAVE'S TEACHING KARKAT TO MIX AND ALL MY WILDEST FANTASIES ARE COMING TRUE. I'M SO THRILLED. I'M SO ALIVE.~~


	7. Chapter 7

You're sat behind the counter at work, two hours into your shift. You are exhausted, you ended up staying out for most of the evening and all of you retiring to Rose's house for a couple drinks meant you didn't make it home until about one in the morning. It's now eleven and you're counting down the minutes until your lunchbreak, even though it's still another two hours away.

"For someone who prides himself on his heightened senses, you really phase out too much."

You blink and turn to Karkat, perched on the edge of the desk.

"Well it's not like you're talking, is it?" You challenge, nodding towards his DS. He smirks, shrugging as you turn back to the front and rest your forehead on your folded arms. You can smell the wooden musk of the desk as you breathe, your voice echoing but muffled as you lament, "Two more hours, just two more hours."

"Do you want me to go get you a coffee?" You look back up and he's folding his DS shut and placing it down next to you; seeing your confusion, he repeats the question. You barely have time to start telling him how much that would mean to you before he's hopping down from his perch and walking out of the store. You watch him go, resting your chin back on your folded arms and praying for no customers. You manage to go most weekdays without customers, save the occasional time Karkat actually buys something.

He comes back with two foam cups of coffee, placing yours down infront of you before jumping back up onto the desk.

"You're amazing." You announce, wrapping your hands around the cup and bringing it closer, afraid to drink and burn yourself but wanting the caffeine in your system.

"I got them to put cold water in it, should be alright to drink." He says, taking a sip of his own before flipping his DS back open.

"You're a prince among men," You say meaningfully, clutching your chest "light of my life, star of my heart."

"Shut the fuck up and drink your coffee before I pour it down your pants and brain you with your checkout scanner." Karkat mumbles, eyes fixed on the small screen in front of his face and brows furrowed in concentration. You grin at him and drink your coffee, pretending not to be too upset when three customers queue up at once.

Your manager, Brian, doesn't seem to mind Karkat tagging along for all your shifts, and you suppose if he spent less time playing on his DS and more time tidying up, Brian might have offered him a job. You think he probably lets him stay because that way you stop complaining to him about how bored you are all the time, because this way you can complain to Karkat and he has qualms about telling you to shut the fuck up and get on with it.

During your lunch break, the two of you go and find food together. You each buy subs, eating half of your own before swapping with eachother as you always do. Karkat says he has films with you to watch later and you groan, knowing before he even tells you what they are that they're either romcoms, have Dane Cook in them, or both. You've tried to explain how hateable his smug assholeish face is several times but Karkat refuses to listen to you. You end up watching the movies with him just because you hate yourself that much.

Karkat helps you tidy and organise the store for the rest of the day, taking over whatever job you're doing whenever you need to jump on the till. You're thankful that he chooses to spend these days with you, but glad you're not working full-time otherwise this would probably be the only time you see him.

Brian comes down from the office to check on you half an hour before closing, stopping and smiling when he sees you chatting to a customer while Karkat tidies the kids' seating area; putting away the books and throwing the beanbags back over to the wall. You wave goodbye to the customer just as Brian reaches the desk.

"You know, at this point I'm not sure which one of you's my employee."

You laugh, the two of you watching Karkat filing the books away and organising some of the sections back into alphabetical order. Brian likes it when Karkat's in, it means the two of you have less to do after closing and you can go home early.

"Karkat," Brian calls out, smiling when he turns around, a copy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar in his hand, "You sure you don't want a job here?"

Karkat pauses, his eyebrows creasing as he looks at you. You shrug. Karkat looks like he's doubting it, but Brian continues.

"Nothing changes, you work when this fucker does, only I don't feel so bad about how much effort you put in because I'll be paying you, too." He grins at Karkat, then, and Karkat looks at you for approval. You smile.

"Alright."

"Ace. Now it's a debate which one of you gets promoted first." Brian winks, chucking you the keys, "I'm off early, lock up when you're ready. Those are the only spare keys so try not to lose them."

You nod and salute as Brian leaves, ruffling Karkat's hair on his way past.

Karkat runs goes to grab your bag from the staffroom at the end of the day, telling you to fuck off when you thank him for it. You let him bring the shop shutters down, all the while telling him he's doing it wrong and ignoring him when he shouts at you _"all I'm doing is turning a fucking key how could I be doing it wrong?!"_ \- You love winding him up more than you love life.

You catch the bus home, making a point of standing holding the same pole as Karkat and slamming into his side every time the bus makes a right hand turning. He's getting angrier and angrier and by the third or fourth time he uses a left turn to his advantage and rams his elbow into your ribs. You burst out laughing and an elderly lady scoffs on the other side of the aisle. You tell Karkat to shut up and stop upsetting the general public and he tells you, loudly, to suck a bag of dicks and shove the flagpole the bus is currently passing up your ass.

By the time you get to your apartment the two of you are tearing eachother apart amid fits of laughter and light arm-punching.

"Bro, we're home!" You call out, throwing your bag through your bedroom door and leaving Karkat to lock up, "Dirk?!"

You turn to Karkat, he shrugs in the silence, walking a few steps down the hallway to knock on Dirk's door. No answer.

"Must be out." You shrug, "You wanna set up your shitty films or have dinner first?"

"I wanna set up my shitty films while you make me dinner." Karkat summarises, settling down on the couch and holding his rucksack to his chest.

You agree on this, because it means you'll miss at least half a film. You make noodles because you're complete and utter trash and nobody in the house has washed any plates up for at least two days. You manage to miss half of Good Luck Chuck by prolonging how long it actually takes to make instant noodles, but you can still hear it from the kitchen and Karkat complains to make you stay in the room for the remainder of the movie. You hate him. You want to punch him in his stupid frog mouth. Dane, that is, not Karkat. Karkat you just want to punch lightly in the gut.

You pretend to smell really bad, putting every college drama student to absolute shame as you run to go and shower twenty minutes before the end of the film, coming back into the room shirtless and dripping in just your jeans with a towel around your shoulders to the credits rolling and Karkat complaining that you left on purpose. You shrug, sitting down on the couch and shaking your head to cover Karkat in water droplets.

"Dave what the fuck?!" Karkat exclaims, shielding himself and laughing as you make a point of rubbing your fringe dry on the shoulder of his tshirt.

"Making use of you." You explain, "Come on, next film."

Two films later and the two of you are sprawled out on the couch, Karkat in his binder and the joggers he always keeps here and you shirtless, still in your jeans. You're laying with your head in his lap, pretending you're watching his shitty romcoms - Hugh Grant is another actor you could probably justify punching, the stuttering awkward British bastard - instead of thinking of all the ways you could make the power magically go out or the DVD player suddenly stop working. You're getting desperate. Karkat puts his hand on your shoulder and you close your eyes, opting for pretending to sleep instead of watching Hugh wander around with his top two buttons undone to prove to everyone that he's really chill, honestly, he promises he's not like all those other pretentious rich pricks!

"Dave you're not even asleep." Karkat states, and you force yourself not to smile.

"I could be asleep if I want to be, don't crush my dreams."

"Dave."

"Alright alright," You say, sitting up and making a point of watching the screen intently for about thirty seconds. Your eyes start to hurt. Karkat calls you a shitbag. You opt to go grab a drink from the kitchen instead, leaving Karkat on the couch to watch his shitty film.

When you walk back into the living room, you pause. You set your glass down, feeling oddly confident as you speak, loudly and clearly above the movie. You're establishing boundaries, you tell yourself, it's fine, this is going to be fine.

"Take off your binder."

"What?" Karkat breathes, turning to look over his shoulder at you, pausing the movie to check he heard you correctly.

"Equality. I'm shirtless, so why aren't you?"

"I am shirtless." Karkat insists, folding his arms over the grey fabric of his binder as if he could cover the whole thing with his thin arms, "Why are you being weird?"

"No you're not." You say desperately, "Karkat, I'm trying to understand-"

He shakes his head, "I am shirtless, this is me shirtless, how is that difficult for you to understand?"

"I'm just trying to, like, establish boundaries..." You trail off. Looking at Karkat's expression now, you're not even sure of that response yourself, what were you expecting to come out of this situation?

"Then _ask me actual questions!_ " Karkat yells, standing up from the couch and turning fully to face you; his face is so contorted with fear and betrayal you fear he might start to cry. A sickness forms in your stomach as he releases a tirade of anger upon you. This is not as fun as it was in the game. "Asking me to take this off is like asking me why I can't go into the men's restroom! Like asking me why I don't have to shave! I'm not just _whatever gender I feel like_ , Strider, I'm stuck like this! I thought you fucking understood that?!"

"I know I just... The others don't..." You trail off, desperation and fear straining your voice as Karkat growls, deep and animalistic.

" _The others_ aren't you, asshole. Since when did you give a shit what _the others_ said or did?" You say nothing, regretting even bringing this up, "What, did they bring up the subject of _me_ and you collapsed with the effort of working out why you're trying so hard? Do you even want me here? Am I just some social experiment you're doing?"

"No, Karkat, you're you."

"Oh real fucking poetic." He hisses, "Where the fuck is my jacket, I'm leaving."

You step round to him, hands on his upper arms as you try to stop him from leaving, he grits his teeth and tries to shove you aside but you hold tight. You know if he really wanted you to let go he could easily make you. He's waiting for a reason to stay.

"You're not some social experiment, Karkat, you're my best friend," You pause, feeling him stop pushing against your hands. His skin is hot under your fingertips, "I fucked up, and if you know me you know I'll probably fuck up a couple more times, but I'm going to try not to. I need your help with that. I need you to tell me when I'm going off track."

He looks up at you, bright hazel eyes meeting your face to judge your sincerity. You can't hear him breathing, but you can see the minute rise and fall of his chest.

"If you don't keep me in check, man, who will?"

"I'm not taking responsibility for your fuck-ups." Karkat states, and you can see the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"Damn," You sigh, "thought I had you there."

"Good effort, Strider, A-plus performance."

"All for you, Karkat."

You pretend you're not shocked when he hugs you, thin but muscular arms tightening around your chest as his head rests in the crook of your neck. You place your arms around him, one hand resting on the thin grey fabric as the other comes to land on the exposed skin of his lower back.

"Come on," Karkat says, shoving your chest, "I'm making you watch this film if it fucking kills me."

You sigh, following him back to the couch and settling back down with your head resting on his leg again, actually watching the film this time to try and make up for that shitty display of good intentions. You left your drink over by the kitchen but you don't dare move, you just lay there, his hand tensing slowly on your shoulder, pretend you're not as relieved as you are.

You're getting very good at pretending.


	8. Chapter 8

Waking up to Karkat is becoming horribly familiar.

The feeling of stretching out and feeling the weight of another human being shift ontop of you, arms draped over your chest. The feeling of waking up and it still being nighttime, your head on his chest as he runs his hand through your hair and tells you to _go back to sleep, McConaughey's face is still on the screen_. Even just the feeling of waking up alone in your own bed and knowing he's out there sprawled out on the couch and you've both got work that day. It's becoming far too familiar, and you're worrying you've started neglecting the others a little - though they haven't actually said anything to you about it... You try not to think about them too much.

This particular morning, you wake up alone in your room. You stretch, clicking every joint in your back and debating, as you do most mornings, whether to get dressed first or have breakfast first. Your stomach growls in response. Throwing your covers aside and embracing the morning chill with little more than thin pyjama bottoms, you pad out of your room and towards the sleeping loser in the living room. You see nothing but a cocoon of blankets on the couch and walk loudly past, entering the kitchen and slamming a couple cupboards shut. You hear a cry of alarm from the couch and laugh.

"Oh sorry, did I wake you?" You ask, leaning out of the doorway with your hand on your heart.

"Fuck you!" Karkat cries indignantly, kneeling up on the back of the couch and throwing a cushion at you. It misses, "I was awake!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say" You sigh dramatically, walking back into the kitchen before adding, "and stop sleeping in your binder you're gonna fuck up your lungs!"

"I'll fuck up your lungs in a minute." Karkat announces, throwing his blanket over the back of the couch and making his way to the bathroom.

You smile, switching on the top of the oven before grabbing the bread, bacon and eggs from their respective places in the kitchen - as you close the fridge door you look out of the kitchen window and out onto the golden glow of the streets outside. You've got work in an hour and forty-five minutes and you have this disgustingly optimistic feeling that today's going to be a good day.

You walk to work in the sunshine, your headphones in and playing Hozier's entire album on repeat. Halfway through Cherry Wine, as you're starting to sing along quietly, Karkat asks what you're listening to. You pass him one of your headphones wordlessly, continuing to sing as the sun beats down on the two of you as you walk. He begins to hum along after a few songs and you smile, singing a little louder and setting the mood for the day. Relaxed and warm. You spend most of the day with your headphones in one ear each, which makes doing the daily tasks quite a bit harder than they should be.

Your iPod dies with two hours left of the day, while you're sat at the register with Karkat balanced on the desk in front of you reading an old Terry Pratchett book he'd brought with him, despite the fact you literally work in a bookstore, and when the sound suddenly stops he looks at you with such accusing eyes you actually have to stop yourself apologising.

"Battery's dead, man," You shrug, "I'll charge it up tonight though, maybe send you some fucking songs so you can put them on your own damn iPod."

"Yeah alright," Karkat says, pulling the earphone out and seemingly wincing at the silence of the store. It's mid-week, so you've had a total of two customers today. You're not expecting any more, "Want me to read or something?"

"Yeah alright," You say, mocking his tone, "Only if you promise to do your stupid storyteller voice the whole time."

He cringes, "I don't have a stupid storyteller voice."

"Yeah you do, makes it sound like you should be on the nighttime section of kid's tv."

"Whatever. Anyway, from the beginning or where I'm at?"

"Where you're at, read it before."

"Alright..." He starts, and then begins at precisely the point you hoped he would, "He rather liked people. It was a major failing in a demon."

You settle down further in your chair, Karkat noticing your change in posture and sliding off the desk, still reading as he turns to sit in your lap, settling himself down and not caring how uncomfortable you are as he shifts his weight to lean against your chest, "Oh, he did his best to make their short lives miserable, because that was his _job_ , but nothing he could think up was _half_ as bad as the stuff they thought up themselves. They seemed to have a talent for it. It was built into the design, somehow. They were born into a world that was against them in a thousand little ways, and then devoted most of their energies to making it _worse_..."

There are no more customers for the remainder of the day, as predicted, and as nice as it is to have some peace and quiet, the day goes by terribly slowly because of that fact. Despite this, you don't seem to mind. As you close up the shop with Brian and Karkat you wouldn't trade this for any other higher paying, more interesting job in the world.

You walk home without music, much to Karkat's dismay. He'd been getting really into your music, telling you all the bands everything reminded you of and basically getting far too excited over everything. You don't mind that much, he's barely ever this talkative or energetic about anything so you let him ramble on and on about bands you'd probably like or should definitely have heard of already; he actually stops talking to you for a full five minutes when you tell him you don't know who José González is, you have to promise to look him up later before he'll even look at you. It's getting colder as you walk, the springtime wind picking up and cutting through your thin layers as you walk back the mile or so to your apartment. You probably could have caught the bus, you don't know why you didn't, but the two of you seemed to make some silent agreement that walking would be better.

Karkat goes home that night, apparently spending more than three nights at a best friend's house sounded more than a comfortable amount of _suspicious_ to his mother. You wave him goodbye at your door and threaten to "help" him down the stairs, and in the process of flipping you off he almost falls down them all by himself.

You go back inside, shutting the door and walking back to the living room to fold up the blankets, shoving them under the coffee table for next time.

You flick on the coffee pot, shrugging out of your jacket and shoes before you settle down on the couch and just lay there, staring up at the ceiling and breathing. You haven't been by yourself in a while, so you're going to take your time getting used to it. The apartment is filled with nothing but the drip-drip-drip of the coffee pot and the faint hum of plugged in electronics. You can hear the tap dripping along with the coffee pot slowly, in the way old taps often do, and the slight creak of the apartment as the floorboards settle.

The click of the front door as it opens.

"Hey lil' man, you home?"

"In here." You reply, stretching your arms out and bending backwards to see your brother as he enters the room, chucking his keys down on the side table.

"You alright? Good day?"

"Yeah and yeah. Coffee's on."

"Ace. Where's Karkat?"

"Went home," You shrug, "More pizza for us."

Dirk laughs, then, and you hate the fact you missed this. Just you and your brother in your shitty apartment and eating bad takeout. Sure both of you can cook and contrary to your game house your kitchen is usually quite well-stocked, but nothing beats the clothe-staining grease of extra large American takeaways. You can practically feel your arteries clogging at the thought of it.

He does order pizza, and the two of you eat your way through it while sat on the couch watching bad action movies and not even pretending you don't love every second of them. Dirk loves some scenes so much he insists on dragging you up to re-enact them with you and you can't refuse, not when he's that fucking happy about something so stupid.

You fall asleep alone on the couch that night, films long forgotten and room shrouded in the kind of darkness that can only be achieved by unnecessary blackout curtains and an aversion to lamps. Dirk covers you with the blanket you'd carefully folded up under the coffee table. It smells of Karkat. You dream of barely-known indie bands and the most ridiculous best friend you never asked for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't call this a "filler chapter", I'll call it "character building" (nobody can be a background character for long) though I will apologise for the shortness. 1534 words isn't good enough. The next one will be longer, I promise.
> 
> My fics have been getting some major publicity recently and if any of you are responsible for that I want to thank you. I do this for you guys, after all.  
>  ~~You guys and myself.~~
> 
> xo T


	9. Chapter 9

"So what, you're saying is she's mad."

"No," He clarifies, lowering his laptop screen and his voice, "she's fucking fuming, I think she's going to lock me up."

You consider this for a moment, picturing Karkat patiently waiting for his mom to fit locks and bolts on his door without him immediately pushing past her or climbing out of the window. Maybe she'd put locks on his window while he was sleeping? You've barely met the woman, maybe she is just that crazy...

"Like, bars on your windows, intercepting your mail style? Am I gonna have to grab my bro and fly our non-existant dad's car over there to rescue you?"

He sighs at you, "I'm not Harry fucking Potter, I'm the child of a deranged lunatic that thinks I'm part of some underground depraved sex cult."

You raise your eyebrows in mock surprise, "Are you?"

"Shut the fuck up."

"That would have made Harry Potter like, at least eleven times more interesting, though." You muse, clicking open a new tab and searching to see if that's a thing already. It is. You frown, closing the tab forever and ultimately ending your childhood.

You sit there for a while, listening to the fan of your laptop as it slowly overheats, choked and gasping for air against your bed covers. You scrap that last thought, deciding it's far too kinky, turning back to your friend looking at you desperately through the dim screen. You consider what to do; you shift your weight as you move your legs out from under you and try not to show Karkat how much pain it causes. You could kidnap him, but then his Crazy Jersey Mom will definitely find you and kill you, maybe hang your head up in the kitchen, use your skin to make some homemade haute couture for the wedding...

"You could like, go stay with Sollux?" You suggest, "I mean, she knows _he's_ not some depraved sex addict who wants to tie you up and defy god with your body."

Karkat smiles at you in a way that makes you shudder, all teeth and eyes and _I'd like to see you try_ and you tell him to fuck off, you didn't mean it like that.

"She's not Sol's biggest fan," He admits, trying to work that predator's smile from his face and failing, "he's like my number one support for all my life choices, I think she'd prefer I stayed with someone who's a disrespectful asshole."

"So, John?"

There's a short pause before you both burst out laughing, even as Karkat tries to tell you to shut the fuck up before his mother hears you both and takes his laptop away. Karkat staying with John would be fucking hilarious, you decide, already preparing to set this up as a thing that definitely happens, but Karkat tells you not to. He doesn't want to have to punch your best friend, but he will. You'd honestly pay him to do it, too - you think Karkat packs a fair punch, and John's not exactly fragile, he looks like he'd break in a strong breeze but you've seen him carry eight bags of shopping and a pack of dog food at once. It could be a good match.

"Alright, I'd better go before she realises I'm still talking to you." 

You grin, "Alright man, see you soon. Text me if she hasn't killed you."

He smiles, a sense of worry underlying the cheer as he says "Will do, night."

You log out and close your laptop, shoving it to the side as you lay back in your bed, arms behind your head as you play through things that might happen, things that should happen and things that will never happen. You imagine; a waking dream of everything you think should be and everything you fear might be. Karkat's mom kills him, or shuts him off from society, forces him to be someone he isn't. You never see Karkat again. You shake your head. You see Karkat the next day, you decide in your mind, and he says his mom has accepted everything about him and wants to meet you and talk to you. She becomes a wonderful trusting woman overnight and all is well.

You sigh into the darkness, loudly and deliberately, hoping your brother hears and comes to talk to you. He doesn't. You hear the quiet hum of his music playing in the next room and close your eyes. Maybe it's best to just try and sleep; after all, you'll see Karkat tomorrow.


	10. Chapter 10

You don't see Karkat tomorrow. Or the next day, or the day after that.

You haven't seen Karkat in over a week. You're pretending not to be worried, but nobody's heard from him since you hung up on him the night his mother basically grounded him for having a social life. You're sat in the coffee shop with John and Jade and you're pretending not to worry, even as you clutch your coffee cup a little too tight and outright ignore John the three times he tries to get your attention.

"Dave, come on!"

You blink and look up at your trio of friends, each one of them looking at you with a puzzled, concerned expression. You shrug and they continue talking around your thoughts, letting you zone back out and wonder, worry...

You hear the chime of the café door opening and John stops talking in the middle of his sentence. You practically feel Rose tense up at your left side and force yourself to turn around and look at the person standing by the door - you can feel eyes on you.

A small black haired teen stands in the doorway; denim shorts, an oversized hoodie, and a glare that you're pretty sure would kill anyone who didn't know it. Karkat's hair is smooth, almost tidy, his hands strangely ungloved and his entire appearance uncomfortably _feminine_. He walks over to you all, fringe curled and just lining up with his eye, making him look like a rejected member of some emo band from 2004, minus the eyeliner.

As he sits down beside you he speaks lowly, "Don't say a fucking word, pretend I'm not here if you have to, I don't fucking care. Just don't talk to me."

You nod, restraining yourself as you turn back to the others and signal for Rose to start a conversation. You slide your coffee over to Karkat along with your phone. Out of the corner of your eye you see him unlock it and load up your games folder. You almost smile before letting yourself take him in - he's had a hair cut, an almost pixie-cut style instead of his usual mess of untamed hair, and his clothes are all wrong. He has a bag with him, under the table now, but it doesn't look bulky enough to have clothes in it. He wouldn't willingly come out like this.

The group descends into silence again before you start up a conversation about a game coming out next month that you should definitely all try, "It's by the same game studio that did Sburb, so everyone thinks it's going to be like, a sequel or something."

"Maybe a universe builder!" Jade exclaims, bringing out her phone probably to try and find any information on it that may have leaked into the game forums. That seems to get everyone excited, and even Karkat looks up briefly, only to catch your eye and excuse himself, placing your phone back on the table and locking the screen again.

You sigh as he disappears towards the toilets, looking desperately at the others for any kind of help they could offer, Rose just sighs and shrugs.

After a few minutes of silence, John looks up and shrugs. You see Karkat making his way back over to the group, but you don't look up at him.

John mutters into the silence, so quietly you pray you've misheard him, "I told you Karkat would make a cuter girl."

John freezes as he realises Karkat is standing just beside where he and Jade are sitting, hand tightening on the leather of the bench seat. He steps closer to you, turning and sitting down with a look of such patience you'd think he was plotting something absolutely terrible.

"Karkat, I-"

You feel a movement beside you, and Karkat's put his hand up to stop John from talking any more. You can practically feel the rage radiating from the small body beside you, but before you can jump in with anything, Karkat lowers his hand and puts it on your leg, tightening his grip to signal that you shouldn't say a thing. He picks your phone back up and goes back to your games.

You leave the coffee shop soon after that, Rose deciding to call it a day and you thanking her silently as Karkat stands up and waits for you outside. It's cold out, and Karkat pulls your scarf from his backpack and tries to offer you it before wrapping it around himself. You peek through the window to see Jade and John talking about something and Rose urging them both outside. You brace yourself for an inevitable uncomfortable conversation.

John leaves the café first, the girls following close behind as he approaches Karkat, "Karkat, I just wanted to say I'm s-"

He's cut off by the ferocious crack of Karkat's fist against the side of his face, sending him staggering backwards towards the wall of the coffee shop. Karkat is looking at him as if he wants to set him on fire. John's nose begins to bleed.

"I swear to god, John. If you keep speaking to me like I'm some lower lifeform, I will shove those glasses so far up your ass you'll be shitting glass for a decade. I do not exist for you to project your own selfish opinions onto me. Fuck your apology, and fuck you."

You were looking forward to this a few weeks ago, but now it's just terrible. John's face is slowly becoming covered in blood as he attempts to wipe at his nose as a steady drip, drip, drip lands on the concrete, and Rose and Jade are just stood there being unhelpful.

"Come on, Karkat." You find yourself saying, "My house, now."

He practically growls and turns from the group, walking off without you in the direction of the bus stop. You cast a worried look at your trio as you pass them, Jade and Rose returning it as John appears to be stuck in a state of shock. You don't mind that much, he really deserved it, but you know you're going to get the shit for it later.

You jog after Karkat, thankful when the bus arrives after only five minutes of tense silence. He doesn't talk to you or even look at you for the entire journey, and you can barely hear him breathing. He clutches to the bar between you as the bus twists and turns, not making his usual attempts to knock you off, staring down and away from you with eyes so full of fire you can only imagine what colour they look.

You try and picture them in the dark, where they look almost grey - it's calmer, then, a cool change from the daylight hazel or the angry evening brown, he won't look up at you. You miss his eyes. You shake your head of all invasive, romanticised thoughts. Karkat just flipped out and punched John and it was nowhere near as awesome as you thought it would be, and now he's ignoring you.

He pushes the button as you near your building, and steps off the bus and over to your building before you, seemingly leading you to your own apartment. You're tempted to make a race of it, but find you can't. You watch as he speeds up his pace on the stairs, pale legs and converse-clad feet disappearing around the corner as you try to keep up with him.

He's waiting at your door when you get there, hands stuffed in his pockets as you unlock the door and open it wide. You can feel loneliness in the apartment, but knock on your brother's bedroom to be sure. No answer. Karkat's stood in the doorway, still, looking at the carpet with an expression that now seems more lost than angry - you walk over to him, pulling him into the apartment and shutting the door.

"Clothes?" You ask, and he just shakes his head, shrugging off his bag and handing you it, going past you towards the living room.

You open his bag - nothing in there apart from his sketchbook. Not even his binder. You feel yourself starting to get mad as you zip it shut again, dropping the bag down by your bedroom door as you head to where Karkat's sat on the couch, staring at the ceiling. His- _your_ scarf is draped across the coffee table, along with Karkat's hoodie.

He's wearing a tshirt, but it's too tight and you can tell it's making him uncomfortable even just sitting there. You hate how feminine he looks, how vulnerable he projects himself when in clothes like this. You hate that he has to live like this every day of his life. You hate that you don't know where he's been this past week.

"Would you want me like this?"

You blink, and Karkat's looking at you right in the eyes, his face serious and laced with worry. You ask him to repeat the question, to make sure you heard him.

"Would you prefer me if I was like this?" He asks again, sadder this time as he places a hand on his chest to drive the point home.

"No." You answer honestly, without waiting for him to respond, "You're not you like that. You're upset like that. I'd never want you upset."

As he turns to stare vacantly back up at the ceiling, clearly not satisfied with your answer, you head to your room to raid your drawers. you grab a pair of your own joggers - you can't find his ones, did he take them home? - and one of your baggier shirts, heading back out to the lounge and practically throwing them onto the back of the couch. He doesn't pay any attention, and he's drawn his knees up to his chest and wrapped his bare arms around them. You walk around and kneel in front of him.

"Let's get you changed." You offer, and he looks at you worriedly. You offer him a smile and he uncurls himself from his little ball of anger, letting you pull him to his feet. You kneel down to untie his shoes, letting him step out of them slowly as you realise you're probably going to have to help him change and he's definitely going to hate you for it later on.

You push his shoes aside and stand up, trying not to look too much _down_ at him because he already seems uncomfortable and out of it, as if in shock from what happened, or exhausted from rage, or something much worse. You have to get him back to normal, even if it means invading his space for a few minutes.

He flinches as you reach for the button on his shorts before realising what you're doing. You go slowly, making sure he's okay with every single move you make. You try not to look, but you're _you_ and you never stopped being you, so you notice he's wearing black elastic shorts underneath the denim; you drop the outer fabric, letting him kick the blue abomination to himself to the side as you help him into your jogging trousers. He holds on to your shoulder as you lower yourself down and you can feel the heat through his hands, how he tenses his grip as your hand brushes against his leg. You pull away slightly, rolling your shoulder for his hand to move as you stand up, pulling the waistband up with you.

"You alright?" You ask him, then, and he shakes his head slightly, tugging at the hem of his tight shirt, hugging him in all the wrong places and accentuating the fact this is not the body he was meant to have, this is not Karkat, why is he dressed like this - _why didn't he think to bring his binder? He could have gotten changed way earlier!_

You pull at the hem of his shirt, letting him put his arms up for you to pull it off, and you realise now that you have to be careful, because this isn't him. This is him, obviously, but this is the Karkat he didn't want you to see, and you have to respect that.

You pull his shirt over his head, trying not to linger on the light brown fabric of the bra he's been forced into wearing. He'd never wear this out of choice, you can't appreciate it, you find yourself not even finding this attractive - you're undressing your best friend and it's the least hot thing you've ever done because this isn't him, this is like dressing a helpless child.

His chest is small, which he's probably glad of - binding with a larger chest would be more painful, and he definitely couldn't get away with sleeping in a binder like he tends to do when he's here, despite you telling him not to.

You leave his bra on, knowing exactly how to go about dealing with it. He's got his arms by his side again, resigned to you seeing him like this, and you don't like it. You don't like how vulnerable he looks right now. You grab the tshirt from the couch and nudge him to lift his arms again.

"But-" He starts, looking down at the offending article adorning his usually grey-clad chest.

"In a minute." You say quietly, "Trust me."

He does, lifting his arms and letting you pull the tshirt over his small but fairly muscled frame. The baggy tshirt almost completely conceals his chest, but you need to take the bra off him so he can sleep and actually be comfortable. You pull him against your chest, repeating for him to trust you when he makes a surprised sound.

You wrap your arms around and under his shirt, reaching up and feeling for the clasps at his back. His hands find the sides of your shirt as he realises what you're doing. You're taking it off without exposing him. You undo the clasps with ease, before realising you should have asked him to keep his arms inside his shirt. You scold yourself before checking to see if there are hooks for the arm straps, and feel a wave of relief when there is. You undo the hooks there, too, tugging at the now completely open back of the article until you feel the entire thing slip from Karkat's frame and to the floor. He wraps his arms around you and you return it.

You hear a muffled "sorry" from your collarbone and step back, nudging his arm with your own and messing up his newly cut hair so it looks more _him_. No apologies now, talk to him in the morning.

"Movies?" You offer, but he shakes his head, "just sleep?" you try and he nods, letting you push him down onto the couch and tidy up his clothes. You put them in his bag, and put his bag in your room, turning out the lights as you go and making sure the keys aren't in the inside of the door so your brother can still get in, if and when he decides to come home.

It's not that late, but you lay down on the couch anyway, Karkat curled against you, a ball of rage and sadness that you need to unwind; but you can't right now. You have to let him sleep first, then you can hopefully find out where he's been and why his entrance back into your life, back home with you, was so... dramatic.

You fall asleep with your arms around his stomach, feeling the rhythmic rise and fall of his breathing, and worrying about what broke him down this much, and whether you'll be able to build him back up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It's Been Awhile" by Staind plays softly in background as I sneak my way back in here...
> 
> Oh my god, I was meant to update this weeks ago, I am so sorry.
> 
> I've been really ill - I'm still really ill - and I've been distracted with work and I don't even know. Putting everything off to do absolutely nothing seems to have been my thing recently.
> 
> I'm back in the swing of this one now, though. It's going in the right direction again and I'm on track for the next chapter,
> 
> Thank you all for waiting.  
> All my love,  
> xoTeryn


	11. Chapter 11

The next few days are spent at your house, Karkat seemingly - and understandably - unwilling to go back home. You keep him calm, ease him back into the routine of the Strider household with a surprising amount of help from Dirk.

The wedding is next week, you find out, and Karkat's mother had decided it would be a good idea to have a bit of a tidy up and a clear out and get Karkat's hair cut in preparation for the big day. Guests would be coming over to their house afterwards for a family party, after all, and she didn't want everyone thinking their house was as much of a mess as it is.

"She chucked out like half my stuff," Karkat explained, the morning after you brought him back as you handed him a cup of coffee - you'd sat yourself on the arm of the couch and watched him get smaller as he spoke, "When I went to leave to find you, I couldn't find my binder and the rest of my clothes were in the wash. I would rather have just not left, but I had to."

It's now been two days since he got here, and things were looking a little brighter. Dirk had found one of his old muscle compression tanks, which actually fit Karkat pretty well, if not being a little long. Karkat had said it was actually more comfortable than his cheap binder, but it did hurt his chest if he wore it too long.

You're currently sat on the couch; you on the laptop, and Karkat on your phone while his charges back in your room. He's wrapped up in his hoodie and your joggers, hunched right over as he taps at the screen.

"Well you kids are unbelievably social," Dirk comments, you look up to see him stood in the doorway to the kitchen, drying a mug with a suspiciously off-coloured hand towel.

"I tried to start a conversation three times," Karkat reasons, tilting his head back towards your brother, "he just ignores me."

"Well that's pretty fucking rude."

"Tell me about it!"

"Whoa whoa whoa," You say, shutting the laptop and raising your hands, "hey now, I did not come here to be bitched at by you two."

"No, you came here to ignore K in favour of browsing porn sites."

"I was _not_ browsing porn sites!"

"Well then stop ignoring him you pissbaby."

"Cheers, D." Karkat grins, arching his back over the couch to offer a high-five to your brother. You scoff at them both.

"You realise we're _both_ 'D' right?" complete with air-quotes. You got this.

"No," Karkat sighs, sitting back upright and clicking his spine, "You're Dave, or Strider. Dirk is D."

"'Cause everyone wants the D." Dirk grins, shrugging his shoulders and stepping back further into the kitchen. You growl a little - a trait you'll never admit picking up from Karkat.

"Come on, then." You say, placing your laptop down on the coffee table and plugging the cable back in to the side, Karkat makes a questioning noise and you clarify, "If you're so sick of me ignoring you, let's go out."

"Why Dave, I never knew you felt that way about me." Karkat says in the most emotionless voice he can muster, hand on his heart, "Kiss me, quick."

"I will hurt you." You promise, "I meant lets go get a coffee or something, go into town, actually live our lives."

"Together, forever?" He offers, shouting as you head to your room, "Promise me you'll never leave me for another man!"

Twenty minutes later and you're walking into town - opting for the walk rather than the stuffy bus - sharing your iPod and apparently your clothes. Karkat is alot shorter than you, but the layer of muscle beneath what is from afar a reasonably thin frame means your jeans fit him just right around the waist and then bunch up at the feet, as if he were some tryhard skater from the 90's. He's taken to wearing Dirk's muscletank without a shirt over it, the black thick breathable fabric stopping at the arms and making Karkat look even more like a tool than he already does under his oversized hoodie - currently open and billowing with every breeze that goes by.

You smile at him when he catches you looking, and he glares and hits you with his elbow. You shove him and he almost knocks into a young woman walking past you both, causing him to swear blindly at you three times before catching hold of the insult and directing it first through your middle name, then your questionable sexuality and finally a speculation of how he thinks you treat entire herds of cattle.

You go to the milkshake bar, sighing dramatically as Karkat orders his plain strawberry before hitting you lightly on the arm and telling you to shut up, and you ask for a caramel and skittles one because you're not boring as hell. The two of you sit on the edge of the fountain in the sunlight, a cool wind cutting through the vague warmth of the day and the thickness of your jacket.

You look over at Karkat, sat in your too-long jeans, his hoodie open and sleeves pushed up to his elbows. His fringe falls in his face every few minutes and he pushes it back and away from his eyes, making him look like... yeah. Rejected member of an emo band from 2004. You kick your brain for the repeated description, looking for other words to use in place of that pitiful analogy.

"What are you scrunching your face up for?"

You look back up at Karkat and smirk, "Nothin', just thinking your fringe looks fucking ridiculous."

"I'm cutting it off after the wedding, it keeps poking me in the eye."

"C'mere." You say, shuffling yourself closer to him, he sighs loudly as you mess with his hair, pushing it up at the roots and frowning when it springs back down.

You dip your hand into the fountain, running wet fingers through the messy, lightly curling locks of Karkat's hair, and try again. You push the roots of his fringe upwards, curling his fringe over to the side so it's completely off his forehead save a few shorter strands.

"There. Maybe when it dries it'll actually stay there and you'll stop looking like..." You trail off before you say it again.

"Frank Iero?" Karkat offers, raising his eyebrows when you sigh in relief.

"Frank Iero." You agree, turning your attention back to your milkshake.

You feel your phone vibrating in your pocket and reach for it after the third buzz, Rose's name and subsequent selfie popping up on your screen, you glance at Karkat as you swipe, answering with a short "sup".

_"Dave, where are you right now?_

"Mall with Karkat, why?" You furrow your eyebrows, instinctively looking around the area for anyone you might know.

 _"Kanaya is there, I'm meant to be meeting her in ten minutes but my bus is running late."_ You can hear the underlying tone of concern in her voice. Kanaya is here.

You haven't actually been in the same area as Kanaya and Karkat yet - not in alone in person, anyway. The chat group, sure, but not face to face, on your own with the two of them.

"Right." You say, interrupting the pregnant pause Rose seems to constantly produce when she finishes a sentence, whether or not she actually has more to say. It's as if her thoughts directed at you were tangible.

_"I suggest you either move or-"_

"Never mind." You interrupt, your attention immediately on Karkat as his eyes catch sight of his cousin, exiting the coffee shop.

 _"Shit."_ She pauses, thinking, "I'll be there as soon as I can."

"See you in a bit." You finish, eyes dancing between Karkat's suddenly very upright figure, and the forced-relaxed stance of Kanaya, staring at him as if she were a rabbit caught in headlights.

"Rose will be here a-s-a-p." You promise him, but he's not listening. You wave over at Kanaya and she forces a smile, brushing her hair over her shoulder and making her way over to the two of you.

"Dave," She nods, "Kat."

"Hey." Karkat forces out, raising his eyebrows quickly before reaching to his pocket. He pats it quickly before sighing. He must have left his phone in your room.

"Rose called, said she was gonna be late?" You offer, handing Karkat your own phone and smiling at him as he looks up.

"Yeah, buses am I right?" She laughs, "What are you two doing in town?"

"Me and Karkat decided to come out and be in the sunshine for once," You shrug, "being shut up in my house for prolonged amounts of time is clearly bad for him, he started getting hostile."

"I'll show you hostile you shit filled wind-bag." Karkat mutters from beside you and you point at him, smiling.

Kanaya seems more willing to speak to you than Karkat, and you've noticed he's pushed his sleeves back almost entirely over his hands and pretty much refuses to be involved in a single conversation. You're extremely grateful when Rose appears, calling out to the three of you as she walks across from the bus stop across the road, her hair tied back as always and swinging in the wind. Kanaya practically runs to her, and you take their greeting as an opportunity to nudge Karkat, a perfect image of rage sat beside you disguised as a tiny young adult.

"Can we go home yet?" He asks, and you nudge him again.

You smile at him when he looks up, "Nah, we're gonna let these two fuck off and then rescue the day."

"You two are free to join us for lunch!" Rose calls out, "We could make it a double date?"

You look at Karkat, who seems to be pointedly staring out at nothing, before calling back, "Nah, you two go ahead, we've got shit to do."

"Suit yourselves." Rose shrugs, taking her leave with Kanaya bouncing along beside her as they head into the complex.

"Cheer up, asshole, we've got all day to ourselves." You say, using your straw to break up a large clump of over-iced milkshake and mix it in with the rest.

"Oh great, I get to spend my entire day with you."

"You love it." You shrug, looking up at the sun through the protective layer of your shades.

You make the most of the afternoon, stopping in at the bookstore to see Brian (and buying him a coffee, and tidying up the kids section while he went to pee) before the two of you found yourselves back at the bus stop, waiting to go home.

The streetlights come on as you're sat together on the near-empty bus, your head against the cool glass. The dark blue of the sky illuminated by the low orange haze of artificial light over the New Jersey skyline. You look over at Karkat sat beside you and he looks up, his eyes a hazel green in the orange light.You smile at him and he returns it, tired but seemingly happy; you smile to yourself as you turn back to the window. Halfway home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on fire. Fuelled by this update.
> 
> See you soon.
> 
> xoT


	12. Chapter 12

If there's one thing that's stayed normal, it's work. The lack of customers, the musky smell of the wooden desk as you rest your head against it, the sound of Karkat tapping at his DS once he's done everything he can think of doing... The only thing that's changed is that sometimes Brian comes down to chat with you both, or you take your lunch on the shop floor so you can stay with them both and talk.

Karkat's on lunch now, and he's sat on the floor behind the desk, his back to the wall, reading and interjecting every now and then to let you know how stupid some of the characters are. He's been silent for ten minutes now, and you're starting to get bored.

"What's your favourite colour?"

Karkat looks up from his book, folding the page and closing it, "What?"

"Favourite colour."

"Red. You?"

"Red." You nod.

"Match made in heaven, what was the point in that again?"

"Again?" You raise an eyebrow, spinning your chair to face him, "You didn't even ask once."

"It's a figure of speech, moron."

"Alright, favourite animal?"

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Getting to know you." You shrug, "Why?"

"You know me, you shithead. Stupid trivia questions asked in the right order don't allow you to read me like a fucking book."

"Damn, and here I was thinking you were just a walking talking safe," You roll your eyes, "and yeah, I know you, but there are things I don't know and it's annoying."

He shrugs, opening his book again and furrowing his eyebrows, "So, you've got years to find out all that stuff about me. There's plenty of stuff I don't know about you, too, I'm not rushing it all through my brain in one afternoon. Don't be so impatient."

You watch him for a moment, trying to make an excuse but not being able to grasp at a single one that flits through your mind. He's right, you've got him here now, you managed to find him, he's not fucking off any time soon so you don't need to rush anything, not even just asking him questions.

"Alright." You agree, turning back around to face the open door of the store. Just a few more hours, and once Karkat's back from supposedly being on lunch, you can continue playing catch with unused til paper rolls and seeing how far you could each throw it before it got dropped or unravelled.

You decide to walk home that evening, and absolutely not because you missed the last bus that went past your apartment. You definitely chose to walk, even though the clouds overhead look dark and heavy with rain and people have started crossing the road to avoid the two of you, sharing a cup of coffee and your iPod as you walk. You're about two thirds of the way home when a group of kids on the other side of the road call you both "gay ass fuckers" and you ask Karkat where the pause in those words would be best suited to go.

"Speak up, faggot!" The apparent ringleader of the group calls, as the boys behind him sat on their bicycles laugh and repeat him.

"I was just asking if we are _gay-ass_ fuckers, or gay _ass-fuckers_." You call back, stopping your stride completely and causing Karkat to sigh and tell you it's twenty-three past six - and then correct himself when the minute changes.

"You wanna come and find out?" The shorter lad, stood beside the first, challenges.

You fire off a mock-salute "Sorry guys, not into pre-pubescent windbags." The lads fire off at you, loudly, with a range of insults that quite frankly hold no water to the things Karkat calls you in his sleep. You shrug, turning to Karkat and loudly announcing, "Come on babe, we know where we're not wanted."

The lads kick off double at that, and you can see Karkat grinning. You get ten feet away from where you stopped when you hear a clatter on the pavement behind you. One of the boys had thrown a water bottle. You smile, about to turn around and throw it back when Karkat stops you, looking at the boys who are still yelling homophobic expletives in your direction and challenging you to come over there and make them stop.

"Kiss me." Karkat says, and your vision flashes white for a second, you shake your head.

"What?"

"Kiss me, just to piss them off." He's practcially grinning, so you duck down, hand moving his fringe back off his forehead, leaning in and pressing your lips lightly to his as you hear the calls of the boys getting even louder and more disgusted. You can feel him smiling, his hands gripping at the front of your jacket as you stand with one on his jaw and one on his lower back.

You can't hear the boys any more, and Karkat pulls away laughing at the fact they actually cycled away because of the two of you. You laugh with him, before spitting on the road and saying he tasted like week-old coffee. He hits you, it's back to normal. It begins to rain as you start walking again.

It's pouring down by the time you see the apartment building, and the two of your break into a run, Karkat holding his hood and you holding the collar of your jacket up, you slam your key fob against the pad by the door and shove your way in, the two of you stopping in the lobby just as a crack of thunder rolls overhead.

You're both out of breath by the time you get to your door, but it opens before you even get the chance to find your keys anyway, your brother standing in the doorway and grinning. You furrow your eyebrows, taking off your sunglasses and wiping the moisture off them as he stands in the way and releases his biggest shit-eating grin at the two of you.

"Post came today. Karkat, kitchen."

Karkat looks up at you confused, but you just shrug and motion for him to go in as Dirk moves aside. You follow the two of them through the apartment, slamming the door shut. Your shoes make a quiet squelching noise as you walk, probably meaning you'll have to actually clean the carpet for once instead of just running the hoover over it and hoping for the best.

Karkat gets to the kitchen first, beside Dirk, and stops in his tracks. You stop behind him, leaning over his shoulder. On the table lay three binders, half-length and not unlike Karkat's old one - in black, white and grey. You look at Dirk and he just grins at you, pushing Karkat towards the table.

"Arrived quicker than I thought they would, which is cool."

Karkat picks the black one up, turning it over in his hands, running his fingers over the metal clasps at the side, "Dirk, I..."

"Stop talking before you pull a muscle, K. It's no big deal."

"But you didn't have to-"

"I did, because they're a necessity as much as like, toilet paper, or my underwear. You practically live here, can't have you missing your necessities." Dirk leans against the kitchen door and you can't help being a little bit angry that he thought of this before you did. He nudges you, muttering a quiet, "quit scowling" before turning back to Karkat and checking he got the size right.

The kid's practically beaming for the first time in days, "Fuck yes you did, thankyou."

Dirk orders from the multicultural abomination of a takeaway down the road, because it's either that or a choice between the usual pizza place or the Chinese takeout that you're pretty sure isn't using chicken in any of its chicken dishes. You're ordering Chinese anyway, but at least this place has a 5 star hygiene rating as opposed to a solid 2 at best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!
> 
> I got a puppy on Saturday so I'm writing while he sleeps.
> 
> Love you all, missed you millions, sorry it's been so long.
> 
> xoT


	13. Chapter 13

"You can't come dress shopping with me."

"Why the fuck not?" You ask, sprawled out on the couch and leaning backwards over the arm to look over at Karkat, "Not like you're gonna go with anyone else!"

"Fuck no, I'll go alone to this horrific event. Choose my own death." He's messing with his fringe in the mirror, but you can see his eyes glance at you in the reflection, "I will choose the outfit I'm buried in, Strider."

"...and I'll come with! We could get matching ones."

Despite the fact Karkat had already been subjected to the torture of being given a dress to wear to the ceremony, the wedding is three days away and he still hadn't got one for the reception and his mother was throwing a shitfit about it. You're just trying to help!

"Dave, if we got matching dresses I don't think any of my family would ever speak to me or my mom again, and I think you'd probably be murdered."

"I'll take my chances. We going now?"

Karkat pauses, turning around to face you and squinting, as if he's trying to work out some twisted angle you're working. Eventually he settles on one.

He nods, "You just want to see me getting dressed, you pervert."

"I see you getting dressed almost every day, you fuckwit."

He considers that for a moment before resigning himself to it, "Alright then you prick, go get your shoes on."

It's horribly bright in the store, and eerily quiet - no music is playing over the speakers and there are a grand total of three other people browsing all the racks and mannequins for dresses. You look at Karkat and he looks far too uncomfortable for his own good, so you give him a nudge and smile at him.

"Can I help you two at all?" A shrill voice asks; you look up into the eyes of a middle aged, weathered-looking woman, looking down at the two of you as if you weren't allowed to be here.

"No thanks," Karkat says, "Just having a look for outfits for a wedding reception."

"Oh." She visibly pauses, it's written in every line on her face and every movement of her posture, "Your own, or...?"

"Asbolutely" You say, at the same time as Karkat lets out a horrified "No!" - you grin at him and he clarifies, "No, my aunt's wedding. I'm sure we can find everything ourselves though, thankyou."

"Let me know if you need any help." She nods, clearly put off but refusing to show it.

It takes hours. Karkat hates everything, you don't know what you're meant to say when he asks if he looks alright in a clothing item you're absolutely sure he hates wearing and never wants to see again, so you end up shrugging at everything even though you think he looks stunning in everything.

You have to bite your tongue. You can't say that under any circumstances.

Eventually he settles on a black and red patterned velvety skater dress, which makes his skin look pale as fuck but still makes him look amazing, even under the circumstances. He makes you feel the material when he's trying it on and you didn't realise how small his waist is, or how- no. Nope. Stop it. Just the dress. The dress is throwing off all sense of your judgement and you need to stop otherwise you're not going to be able to go to the event with him.

"Is it okay?" Karkat asks you for the fifth time, turning in the mirror and grimacing at his ass again, you bite your lips and nod at his reflection, "Come on Dave I need feedback!"

"Wouldn't kick you out of bed." You say quickly, teasing, and sigh with relief when he hits your arm and swears at you, going back to the changing room cubicle.

You convince him to get it, mostly so you can both finally get food and go home - it's not at all late in the day but you're exhausted and you need to reset whatever's going on in your brain before you do something completely ridiculous. You're halfway out of the shop when you realise Karkat's talking to you.

"Huh?"

He stops mid-rant, pausing to shoot you the nastiest look he can muster, "I was saying, if they want me to dress up for the wedding so bad, why not make it a masquerade? Everyone wins with a masquerade and I wouldn't have to wear a stupid dress because who would know who was me?"

"You're very short." You comment.

"Thanks for the input, Dave, super helpful."

"No, I mean," you wave your hand vaguely at him, "people would know who was you because you'd be the five foot dude with the angry eyes."

He stares at you for what feels like five full minutes before continuing on his rant, and you focus on walking instead of talking and try not to make an idiot out of yourself for the whole time it takes you to get back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays!
> 
> Much to public surprise I am alive and still able to write. It's been a hectic few weeks/months over my end but I haven't forgotten about this fic and I think I know what I'm doing with it and where it's going to go.
> 
> Short update for now. Dave is gay and confused. Stay tuned.
> 
> I love you all, thankyou for being patient with me.
> 
> xoTeryn


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had to change the rating of the fic...
> 
> I wasn't planning on it, but sometimes the characters get a little carried away.
> 
> NSFW: almost everything after the words _"don't you fucking dare"_

You hate weddings, you've decided.

You've been here for a grand total of thirty seconds and you already hate it. Everyone's so bitchy and harsh for literally no reason - you've heard at least five people commenting on how ill-fitting the groom's suit is or how frumpy they think the bride looks in the pictures she sent her family of her dress, and you're now stuck in a corner of the room because you don't know where Karkat is and you're scared to move through the crowd of strangers in the hall.

"Hey, Dave!"

You look up and - wow, yeah, there's Karkat. Moving towards you through the crowd in the lilac dress he was given for the ceremony, his fringe curled artistically around his cheek and making him look like someone who got rejected from that one MCR music video purely on the basis he'd make all the professional dancers and also the band look like shit in comparison.

He reaches you just as you get a handle on yourself, grabbing your arm and pulling you out of the corner while you force yourself to greet him.

"Yo where we going? I was planning on just staying there for the whole shebang."

"Over to my actual family, douchecanoe." He explains, rolling his eyes over his shoulder at you, "You're here with me, that means you actually have to stand with me."

Karkat's family are actually a lot less shitty than you thought they would be. His mother greets you warily but warmly, making a short but shocked comment about the colour of your eyes and how "striking" they are, causing you to recoil uncomfortably at the lack of barrier you have here and Karkat pulls you away again as everyone's instructed to go sit down and prepare for the ceremony.

Karkat has to stand up front while you sit awkwardly on a bench next to some of his cousins, or something. You can't see Kanaya anywhere - you didn't even ask if she'd be here, you realise, you don't even know if this is the right half of the family in order for her to be here? You really should ask more questions. Or maybe Karkat already told you all this and you just weren't paying attention. Either way two people are getting married right now and you're not even kind of paying attention and you should probably look up.

Karkat catches your eyes from the front of the hall, smiling slightly in a bemused sort of way, questioning. You smile back, winking and giving a little thumbs-up. He looks down and then back up at the front, still smiling despite all his body language radiating discomfort.

You'll talk to him after, get a few drinks in and just forget about all the thoughts that have been plaguing your mind for the past few weeks. You jumped in to this situation way too fast, is all. You'll be fine. He just looks very good right now and you don't even know if you're allowed to think that, which is making you think about it even more and you know he's not one hundred percent comfortable in it and you will gladly help him take it off later and you just. Shut up! Wedding going on! Pay attention!

The vows are long and boring, though, so you spend almost the entirety of them pulling faces at Karkat and watching him try not to crack up. Then one of his cousins elbows him pretty roughly and he straightens up, pointedly not looking at you, and your game is ruined. You settle for counting the tiles on the patch of floor you can see from where you're sat, and concentrating on not brushing your arm against the dude you're sat next to despite the fact he keeps shuffling in his seat.

You're glad when it's over, when everyone's standing and cheering and following the couple out to the front for photos. Karkat comes up beside you and drags you out with him, so you get outside and stand on the steps with Karkat hanging off your arm, surrounded by people you barely know and not really minding the fact you're not wearing your shades because you don't mind photos that much, you guess, and Karkat's here which is always a bonus.

It's the reception you were waiting for anyway.

You've ditched your grey suit jacket and loosened your tie, standing by the door and waiting for Karkat to come back from getting changed with the first drink of the night in your hand. Nobody's tried to talk to you yet, which is cool, because you have no idea what you're meant to say. What if they ask who you're here with? What if you have to hold a conversation with people who don't know Karkat as himself? No thankyou. Way too awkward.

He comes back through the doors in that dress you helped him choose, hair a little messier but still lightly curled. He looks around for a second before realising you're next to the door and grinning at you uncharacteristically. You smile back only a little awkwardly. His grin falters.

"I don't look ridiculous, do I?"

"Absolutely not."

"What's up with you, then?"

You shrug, taking another swig of your drink as Karkat rolls his eyes. He's wearing eyeliner. You like it. You probably shouldn't.

"I like your eyeliner." You voice aloud, because why the fuck not.

"Shut up and help me find a drink."

You do find a drink. You find several, and eventually the two of you are outside sharing a cigarette and giggling into drinks seven and eight... or maybe nine. It's dark out, but the lamps adorning the walls outside the door cast beautiful shadows over Karkat's face as he laughs, and you've never felt more glad to be alive. You voice this thought and he tells you to shut the fuck up and finish your drink, and you can't really argue with that idea at all.

You down the whole thing, still with a lungful of smoke, swallowing painfully and blowing the smoke back out in his face afterwards. He sticks his tongue out at you, stepping back as the door opens and more of his relatives pour out of the door. You stub the cigarette out, grinding it into the stone step with the heel of your shoe and following Karkat back inside for more drinks.

It's much later in the night, and you've lost count of how many drinks you've had, but you're stood with Karkat and a few of his less annoying teenage relatives in the corner by the drinks table. All your words are slurring, you know they are but you can't help it. Karkat keeps smiling at you, this weird, wonky smile that makes your stomach do backflips it never ever wants to come down from. His laugh is loud and infectious, and you're pretty sure that if you weren't already inebriated you could get drunk off that sound alone. His relatives - sort of cousins, you think? Kids of whoever his aunt just married - excuse themselves and Karkat turns to you, grabbing your arm and pulling you through the nearest doors.

"Hey, come help me find the bathroom."

You really agree. You've probably needed the toilet for about forty minutes already.

It takes longer than it should for you to find the toilets, and even longer to navigate a successful piss, one eye closed and one hand on the wall for balance. Karkat went to the women's toilets because, well, dress, but you figure it was probably best he wasn't a witness to how useless you are after what feels like fifty drinks. You don't think about it too long, just button yourself up, wash your hands, splash some water on your face and stare in the mirror for a while. Your red eyes glare back out at you, crimson circles weak with alcohol content and as bright as blood. You shake your head, biting down the panic that always surfaces when you're in a public place without your shades on. It's fine.

You run your wet hands through your hair, letting it clump and fall in your face in criss-crossed lines like strokes from a paintbrush. Mostly you just think it makes you look ninety percent more attractive, coupled with your unbuttoned shirt, loose tie and your slim-fitting waistcoat. Yeah, You'd fuck you.

You leave the bathroom, lingering in the hallway before calling out, "Karkat?"

You walk down the hall slightly, towards the women's room, stumbling against the wall slightly and breathing deeply to try and calm your heart down because holy fuck, when did your heart get so loud?

"Karkat?" You try calling, knocking against the door, startling when a face you don't quite recognise appears over your shoulder, a girl a little older than you with red hair and a bright green dress. She probably looks good, you guess, but your brain's somewhere else.

"If you're looking for Kathy she went down the hall." The voice says, and you have to take a moment to work out what she's on about before thanking her and making your way down the long corridor.

The corridor splits off through doors to your right, and you see a flash of a face you know before you're being drunkely dragged through them, slammed against the wall by rough hands smaller than your own and- oh.

_Oh._

You bury your hands in his hair, kissing back almost violently and flipping your positions so you have him pinned, his weirdly sharp little teeth grazing your bottom lip as his bare arms clutch at your shoulders and oh my god, you never want to be anywhere else. You're so drunk and you need to stop but you can't and he's right here and that's his leg, his bare leg slipping between your thighs, heeled shoes catching on the seam of your trouser-leg as you feel his dress ride up, feel the fabric folding over as he tries to climb you like a fucking tree.

You lift him up, pinning him against the corridor wall with an almost violent force as he wraps his legs around your hips and you stumble, your head hot and fuzzy and no, you're not appreciating this, you're both way too drunk to be appreciating this, and you're running a hand through his hair and hooking his fringe back out of his face and his tongue is rubbing against yours at the same time his hips are rolling down on your increasingly obvious erection and you think your head is going to explode.

He pauses, gasping against your mouth with his eyes closed. You can feel his thighs tightening around your hips, the heat increasing until you can barely take it.

"I'm not wearing pants." He admits quietly, the alcohol slurring his words as he rolls his hips down on you again, and all you can do is moan weakly and attach your lips to his neck in a vice lock, causing his voice to hitch, "Prob'ly bad form to fuck at a relatives weddin' right?"

You pause, lips against the wet patch on his neck, "I'll stop if ya want."

"Don't you fuckin' dare."

So you don't. Your head is fuzzy with warmth and alcohol as your hands wander, as you buck your hips up to try and make Karkat gasp again. Karkat reaches his hands down between your bodies, smoothing over the grey fabric of your waistcoat and all the way down your torso to unbutton your suit trousers and you almost come there and then, the sensation of his hands reaching for you as his legs pull you tighter against him, pinning him against the wall with not an idea of an inch between your hips.

He strokes you as he kisses you, hands clumsy and shaking slightly, and you grip both of his thighs under the fabric of his skater dress and pull him flush against you again, sliding your hands up and up until you can confirm he wasn't lying about not wearing underwear, your hands finding soft flesh as you grip his ass, making him choke out a suprised gasp directly into your mouth. It's hard to reach everywhere you want to be from this angle, so you pull back, letting him lean against the wall from his shoulder blades upwards as one of your hands wiggles its way between the two of you, bumping his hand that's still holding you and pressing directly against him, under the fabric, causing him to buck up against you again and _whine_ and you officially can't take that any more, twisting your hand awkwardly to try and slide your hand against him properly, try and find room to press one finger inside, but it's just not happening, not while he's holding you like that.

It's a blur of blind co-ordination, but you can taste his tongue against yours as he whines, and sure your erection is lonely now but it's worth it for the amount of noise Karkat makes in and around your mouth, and when he gasps out "fuck me" against your throat, repeating it louder and more desperate when you let out a slurred "huh?", you can't help but oblige.

Rocking up into him would probably feel much better sober, your mind tells you, your numb limbs unable to completely process his nails digging in to you or his teeth nipping at the vein in your throat, but you slide in anyway, all the way to the fucking hilt because Karkat slams his hips down on you when you try and go slowly, and from then on it's just drunken fucking, in the corridor of the hotel-motel-rented hall at his aunt's goddamn wedding, and you hate yourself for how much you wanted this.

You hate yourself because you know one or both of you is going to regret this but you can't care right now, because he's so perfectly tight and all over you and he's shaking against you and calling your name and you have to pull out and let him down because he's too heavy and you're way too drunk. But then he's pushing you against the wall and then you're in his mouth, and he's looking up at you behind half-lidded eyes and rolling his tongue over you and you can't help but come in long, shaking breaths, collapsing against the wall even as he stands and kisses you. You taste yourself on his tongue.

He holds your hand when you go back out to the party, and he's still holding it when you get in the cab home.

He goes home with you. Nobody questions it.

He falls asleep in one of your shirts and a pair of your boxer shorts, curled up on the couch under the spare blanket from your bed.

What the fuck have you done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while.
> 
> The plot thickens.
> 
> I was planning on updating on 413 but I was too busy :( I run the London 413 meets solo and I have this awful habit of leaving pretty much everything til last minute...
> 
> xoTeryn


	15. Chapter 15

You wake up alone in your bed, still wearing your trousers and shirt from the night before, on top of your covers in the beams of morning light entering through your window. The only sounds audible are the quiet hum of your kitchen appliances, traffic outside the window and the muffled calls of birds outside. You have no idea what time it is, but your head is ringing and your stomach is tight and uneasy, which confuses you momentarily until you remember...

You force yourself to sit up, your shirt folding uncomfortably where the top three buttons are undone; yawning into your hands and blinking against the intruding light, you try and force any bad feelings to the back of your head until you absolutely have to deal with them - or until Karkat wakes up. Whichever comes first, you guess.

He's still asleep on the couch when you walk out to the kitchen, hair a mess and blanket pulled up to his eyes. You'd let him sleep forever if you could - one half of you wants to just run for it, but you know you have to talk about this. You're adults, for Christ's sake, you an do this without causing more damage.

"I was wrong to do that," you rehearse under your breath as you walk into the kitchen and start pouring yourself a glass of water, "I took advantage of the fact you were drunk - and I know I was drunk too but I was _less_ drunk than you were and that's not okay and I-"

"The fuck you muttering about now?"

You jumped a little, you're man enough to admit that as water splashes out of your glass, all over your hand and (luckily) mostly into the sink.

"Uh, nothing? Just... monologuing." You stand there, frozen, just looking at the sleepy, hungover body lingering in your doorway, staring at you from behind furrowed brows.

"Alright... Can we go out for breakfast? I don't trust your cooking after a night out."

You're still frozen, just looking at him blankly. A purple-red bruise is just visible on his neck, just before the shirtline. What the fuck have you done? He squints at you.

"Remember? Last time? You basically gave us all food poisoning."

You blink yourself back into the room, "Oh. Right. Yeah."

Karkat walks towards you, quiet footsteps over the floor as he ducks into your field of vision and feels your arm, "Are you feeling alright? You look pale but you're really warm."

"Yeah, yeah no I'm fine." You assure him, ducking out of reach and laughing; he doesn't look convinced. "Going out for breakfast right?" You ask - he nods slowly, saying he's gonna go get changed and leaving you alone in the kitchen again, in smart trousers and a half-unbuttoned dress shirt, stinking of alcohol.

"You might wanna shower, you smell like a frat party!"

You do shower, quickly and with a lot of telling yourself to shut the fuck up and/or fuck off. You're imagining his hands on you again as you wash, his mouth on yours, his lips wrapping around and- no! No. Absolutely not. Stop that. You're trying to get clean and he is right down the hallway. You're very glad you remembered to check you had a towel and a change of clothes before you came in here so you could avoid the cliché 'please bring me clothes' trope because honestly you've overused that by now. Or someone has. Someone, somewhere has overused that trope already. You're washing.

Karkat's singing along to something when you shut the water off and start towelling yourself dry, you can't tell what but it's nice - slow-paced and harmonious, do you recognise it? You're not sure. You like it.

You tug your jeans onto your still-damp legs and feeling instant regret, doing your belt up tight before pulling your t-shirt on and shaking your hair out to let it dry in the air. Your tshirt's a little tight you realise as you breathe in, but you'll probably grab a jumper before you head out anyway so who cares?

He stops singing as soon as the bathroom door unclicks, which you're disappointed by but you won't say anything. You're not sure why he's acting so calm and... as if nothing happened last night at all. You can't help but be a little upset - does he not remember? Do you remember it wrong? Oh god what if you did something terrible and he just doesn't want to talk about it. You can't think about that, though, you can't linger on it because he sees you walking back into the living room, hair wet and sockless and he smiles at you genuinely for the first time that day and your stomach backflips.

He turns the smile away from you and scoffs, "Get some fucking shoes on I've been waiting for like six hours already."

"I was in there for twenty minutes but sure, whatever you say kitkat." You wave him off, heading for your room.

"Never call me that again, that's disgusting." He calls after you, you laugh as a stock response.

It's cold outside, but you remembered a jumper and Karkat's wearing the hoodie he borrowed (the one you're never getting back), and you've decided to walk to town - sharing headphones and your flask of coffee just like old times, listening to Karkat bitch about some of the things his family members were doing the night before that annoyed him. You offer a couple of halfhearted 'heh's because you're not sure what to say. He asks you what you thought about a couple of them and you have to admit you don't remember many people's names.

"Yeah you were pretty drunk... I mean the ones we were talking to before I dragged you to find the bathrooms? Josie, Andy and Hamish?"

You stop yourself from freezing up, he said that pretty casually so you're just gonna roll with it,"Right. Hamish. Was he the one who kept telling me to check out his Soundcloud?"

"Yeah it's kind of shit, don't bother, but like they were talking about my uncle and-"

He went on, family discourse you weren't even really noticing even though you were surrounded by them all last night. You didn't notice Hamish try and start a fight with Olivia, or that Amanda was totally trying to mack on Tyler even though they're sort of related by marriage now. You didn't notice any of it because you were too focused on Karkat. You were meant to be there supporting him and meeting his family and you kind of feel like you failed both of those missions.

"Hey," Karkat snaps his fingers in front of your face, "Should we just grab food and go back to yours? I didn't think it'd be this cold and you still seem pretty out of it."

You blink a couple times, feeling his hand ghosting your arm, "I'm fine, but whatever you wanna do is cool."

"So... If I wanted to get a banana and apple milkshake and dip fries in it-"

"I'm tired not dead, Karkat, I'd kick you out of my fucking apartment."

"Just testing!"

You end up back at yours with takeout cartons from the dessert bar in town - piles of pancakes and waffles and sauce and weird little doughball things that Karkat swears to you aren't disgusting but you don't really want to try them because your stomach is still uneasy, Karkat curled up and eating happily at the other end of the couch, watching films on your tv while you sit and hold your stomach; clenching your eyes shut and willing away all the anxious feelings. If Karkat's okay then you should be too.

"Dave?"

You look up, and Karkat's looking at you with worried eyes, hoodie bunched up around his face and sleeve wiping syrup from his cheek. He's cute, even when he's messy and is still the only one of the two of you who hasn't showered yet, his hair still retaining some of the styling gel from last night and causing it to spike up even more weirdly than usual. You can't look at him, can't look at that skin and those lips, the bruise on his neck just barely visible as he turns to face you.

"Dave?" He asks again, quieter as he puts his food down on the coffee table and looks across at you seriously, "We're okay, right?"

You blink. Karkat seems genuinely nervous, searching your face for an answer before your words come out. You want to tell him that yes, you're okay, you want to ask if he's okay. You want to ask all about last night and you want to know how you can make things better when you've been such a selfish asshole to him.

"Of course," You settle for, "Of course we're okay Karkat, we're always okay. You know that."

"I just," He starts, and then shakes his head, swapping out for a smile, "As long as we're okay."

"I promise."

"Cool."

There's a silence for a minute, broken only by the television playing away quietly to itself. Karkat breaks it first.

"Okay cool can we pretend that just now wasn't the single most awkward interaction we've ever had?"

"Absolutely, holy shit."

Karkat lets out a huff of a laugh, running his hand through his fringe, "Okay we can talk about shit some other time when we're not both hungover and tired. Deal?"

You nod, "Absolutely, deal. As long as I haven't like... As long as you were...?"

He waves his hands up, "No no no I was into it. Don't worry. Were you...?"

"Yes, I was also into it! No panic there."

"Good talk."

"Good... Good talk."

Karkat nods, his cheeks flushed a dark red as he turns his attention back to the TV. He's smiling, though. You feel a little bit of the knot in your stomach unwind slowly as you watch him, eyes fixed on the screen but slightly glazed over like he's not really watching it. He pulls his legs up closer to himself as he shuffles to get comfortable, folding his arms over his knees and biting the cuff of his - _your_ \- hoodie. He blinks up and catches you staring at him and rolls his eyes.

"Oh my god you need to stop looking at me before I throw myself out of the window."

"I'll throw you out myself if you keep making it awkward in my own goddamn apartment."

"Fuck off Strider I basically live here."

You scoff at him, turning back to the tv and feeling yourself finally drift off a little, the knot in your stomach gone completely with the return of familiar territory. You can deal with idle threats. That's way better than vague awkwardness. The last thing you feel before you drift off to sleep is Karkat's warm body leaning up against your side.

Yeah.

Back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhhh yes here I am.
> 
> Back again after... almost six months? I am just the worst.
> 
> Since I was last here I have *secured* myself a new job (that's a pun, I'm a Security Officer now) and I've fostered and released a baby tawny owl (his name is Archie and he now lives free in the orchard behind my house!) so it's been pretty busy
> 
> I hope you've all been well and I hope at least some of you will be pleasantly surprised when this email drops through. Teryn's not dead! Just super duper lazy.
> 
> Love to you all, expect to be seeing more of me in this fic and... maybe a couple others I have planned?  
> xoTeryn
> 
> P.S. I haven't spellchecked this AT ALL so fingers crossed!


	16. Chapter 16

You guess this is normal.

Sat in the booth in your usual café, Karkat and Rose either side of you and John, Jade and Kanaya sat opposite. They're all chattering away amongst themselves as you wait for some of the others to arrive - you decided to all go for a day out together to solidify your friendships, or something. You kind of tuned Kanaya out as soon as she said something about good vibes blossoming between everyone. You don't need any more good vibes, no sir-ee. You're doing absolutely fine with mundane, regular, familiar vibes. Or no vibes at all! You can deal with nothing vibe-ing near you. Stop attributing that word to vibrators, you're a goddamn adult. Act like it.

You stop chiding yourself long enough to greet Sollux as he appears behind you, leaning over to grab yours and Karkat's shoulders in a weak, sad excuse for a hug. He informs you all that the others are all outside, if you're ready to go? You absolutely are. Anything to stop thinking about... everything. You're starting to worry you're overthinking things, making yourself panic when you don't need to be panicking, but things have been _weird_ with Karkat these past few weeks, ever since the wedding, ever since your kind-of-not-even-a-chat in your living room the day after.

Of course, it didn't help that your brother has been quietly judging you both with an air of disgusted pride. You have no idea how he knows, but he absolutely does, and he makes a point of narrowing his eyes and _smiling_ this mean, nasty little smile at you every time Karkat isn't looking.

But you're out now, with a group of friends, heading for the State Fair, because apparently this is a 1993 teen horror movie and you're all suddenly into flirting with Death (conveniently disguised as poorly-bolted-together spinning screaming metal death traps and Super Fun Mirror Mazes!) and probably catching some incurable life-threatening disease from rat-flavoured cotton candy.

Okay, you've never been to a State Fair in your life.

Sollux's grandma is driving you all, because of course she is.

You all cram yourselves in to the little minibus parked outside the café, quietly glad when you're the one stuck in the front passenger seat because you won't have to deal with any awkward eye contact or accidental leg touching, even though you are literally the only one making a big deal out of this, what is your problem?

It's a short drive to the fair, only about a half hour's drive, but you spend the entire time chatting (bitching, you're mostly bitching) to Sollux's grandma, who has told you her name is Greta and wishes that you would start calling her it, while the others shout and fight over packs of chips and cans of drink in the back.

"Teenagers are never happy." Greta sighs, flipping the indicator and turning the car in to the fair parking lot.

You climb out of the passenger seat as Sollux slides the rear door across, climbing out and stretching his legs as he loudly complains about how long that took. He, of course, didn't get a short paragraph-long summary, and was stuck sat between John and Theresa, who for some reason have decided that they really don't get along despite their happy, tolerant conversations in the group chats.

They're arguing about who was touching who first even as they climb out of the car.

"Never happy." Greta repeats, leaning over and winking at you conspiratorially.

You look over as the others climb out excitedly, "I dunno, look pretty happy to me." You point out, and she tuts at you.

"Situational, though. Make sure you remember all the fun you lot have here, that's how to make the happiness last longer than just until you get home. Take pictures." She smiles, all wrinkled features and unnaturally brown hair, silver streaks poking through where it's pulled back into a ponytail. You miss your grandma for one heartaching moment before you're being pulled away towards the ticket booths by Karkat.

Three candied apples and two kiddie's coasters in and you're just about ready to throw up.

You've somehow gotten yourself split up from most of the group, ending up with just Theresa and Sollux - Alex? When you ask which he actually prefers he shrugs and tells you he doesn't really care. Sollux it is. Theresa's just as excited about everything in real life as she was inside the game, despite the fact she is genuinely partially blind in one of her eyes and keeps bumping into ride signage because she refused to bring her stick with her. She's fun, though, you don't get how John managed to start six arguments with her in the space of half an hour.

These two at least aren't that bothered about going on massive rides designed to make you vomit, so you figure you're safe just wandering around with them until it's time to go home.

The fair is loud - there's rides and stalls, games where you can win tickets and prizes. There's a goddamn pig competition. It's cliché and you kind of end up finding yourself loving it. Before you know it you've wandered so far you've ended up by yourself in front of one of the ticket prize stalls. Slinkys and Furbies line the walls, along with bootleg beanie babies and weird "my first magic kit" crap. You're about to walk away when you spot the absolute saddest looking tiger, stuffed right underneath happier, fuller looking stuffed dogs. He looks about half-filled and sunbleached as hell. _Fuck it_ , you figure, _might as well give myself something to do_.

You're best at the ski-ball, but that only gives out three tickets for every top score and you're getting kind of sick of it. The shooting range is slightly better, but your aim while all these lights and sounds fire off around you is a little off. In the end you end up playing Whack-a-Mole (other animal abuse games are available, like the one where you have to jump on the spiders, but there's a really aggressive kid playing that one and you don't wanna ask to go next) until you're walking back up to the booth with your handful of tickets and slamming them down in front of the really bored looking kid. His nametag says Clive.

"Clive," You state, he looks up, "I'd like the squished looking tiger toy, please. The one under the two dalmatians."

"Dude you've got way too many tickets for that."

You blink at him. "Oh."

"Hold up." He says, starting to feed your tickets into his little counting machine. You watch it feed through slowly, suddenly feeling like the whole smug-asshole-with-a-shit-tonne-of-tickets schtick has let you down somewhat. The counter stops at 167.

Clive nods, "Alright, see the tiger's only eighty tickets."

"Oh. Cool. Uh." You stop, "What should I get with the rest then?"

"I dunno," he shrugs at you, "we've got light-up shutter shades?"

You end up walking away with the sad looking tiger on your shoulder, shades pushed up on top of your head as the flashing shutter shades create a migraine-inducing rave directly into your eyeballs, stretching a tiny plastic slinky between your hands. You figure this is a pretty good haul to call it a day and make your way back to the parking lot, where Greta is still sat in the car, reading her book quietly with her window down.

You open up the passenger side door and she looks up, smiling, "Good day?"

"Yeah, kinda lost the others so I hope it's okay if I just chill with you."

"Of course, just, please turn those horrid glasses off."

You switch them off apologetically, placing them on your seat with the tiger and shoving the slinky in your pocket as you reach into the glove compartment for where you hid your cigarettes earlier. You haven't been smoking as much as you used to, which is probably good. This is your first one for a few days; you guess going outside just takes it out of you a bit.

She tuts at you, but hands you the car's lighter when you start patting your pockets and frowning.

"What are you doing about Karkat, then?"

You blink up at her, and she's smiling. You shake your head like _'don't know what you're talkin' about'_ and she sighs loudly and shuts her book, turning towards you.

"I may be old, but I'm not blind, love."

"I should hope not, you're driving."

She ignores you, continuing, "The two of you never stop looking at eachother, and while you choose to hie your eyes, I can see Karkat's plainly. That's a very special look they reserve for you. Don't waste that."

"What do you-"

"Don't interrupt me, child. I'll get there."

You nod, stood just outside the car and feeling so, so much younger than you are. You notice the wind, the sweet, choking fumes blowing over from the fairground, the smell of mud and dirt, the smoke drifting up from your hand and curling around your face and almost going in your eye.

"You don't waste a thing like that. Even if it doesn't last, it changes you and gives you memories to hold on to forever. Sure, if it ends you might be bitter for a while, but when you're old like me you don't really remember being angry. If it doesn't end, all the better."

"Make the happiness last?" You offer, and she smiles at you warmly.

"Yes, just that. Make the happiness last."

There's a comfortable silence, taking up a few minutes as you consider her words. She sighs again, lifting her book and opening it again.

"Alex doesn't seem very interested in all that, so I'm glad I could have that talk with someone, at least. He's more into his computers." She nods, "The boy has his passion! I wish I could say at least he's not doing drugs, but of course he's doing those, too..."

You laugh, shocked, and choke on the inhale.

The others filter back eventually, Karkat looking concerned until he spots you, grinning widely and holding up a massive bag of cotton candy. You grin back, seeing Greta smile at you before moving her book out of the way and turning back to talk to Sollux. Karkat bounds over to you, asking you where you went and telling you all the rides you missed out on and how many times John vomited after the ferris wheel, of all fucking things.

Rose pops up behind him to confirm the statement, pointing to John stood looking very, very ill, hanging off of Jade's shoulder and complaining loudly. You laugh, yelling at him that he'd better not throw up in Greta's car or you're gonna leave him here.

The ride back to Sollux's house seems quicker than the ride there, and soon you're all piling out of the car and into his house, following promises of snacks and games. Greta makes you all casserole for dinner and you destroy them all at Mariokart. Everyone but you, Karkat, Theresa and (obviously) Sollux clears off before eleven, leaving the four of you to fight over controllers and sleeping places around the lounge.

You end up drifting off, laid on the couch on your back with Karkat draped over you with most of the blanket, Theresa on the other couch and Sollux on the floor in a pile of pillows. The two of them are still playing, lights off and blankets pulled up to their chins.

Karkat is a heavy weight on your chest, his back rising and falling slowly but rhythmically, and you feel yourself drifting away as you watch him, the blue glow from the TV making his outline the last thing you see until morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double whammy, bit of a ~~filler~~ fun chapter to get the ball rolling and remind people that the other trolls still exist as characters ~~because I keep actually forgetting myself~~.
> 
> ALSO thankyou to everyone who keeps commenting! I love you all, and I read all your comments, but unfortunately I can't reply to all of you individually :(
> 
> xoTeryn


	17. Chapter 17

Waking up on Sollux's couch - your best friend a heavy, sleepy weight on your chest, your bones and muscles aching with the effort - you're happy. You decline his grandmother's kind offer of breakfast, knowing you have to get back to work at some point this year and that if you take another sick day you might find yourself with less fun shifts towards Christmas.

Saying short, tired goodbyes to your friends, you and Karkat head outside into the biting October air. You are cold to the very core - that bone-deep cold that sets in when you've spent the night at a friend's house with not-enough sleep, the air around you is freezing and old and penetrating even the warmest clothes, and you ache in the best way because your body knows you're only feeling this numb because you were with friends.

"It's like the first morning." Karkat remarks, yawning into his sleeve.

"Isn't that a Cat Stevens song?"

"Probably. Breakfast in town?"

"Absolutely. Then I'm sleeping for a thousand years."

Karkat is quick to point out that no, actually, you both have to go to work after breakfast, and if you dare try and sleep he's going to draw on you. You know that's not an empty threat, either. You concede, flagging down the next bus and praying for warmer weather to set in.

Breakfast in the café is always exactly the same, which you're glad for. You spot Rose and Kanaya sat together at one of the other booths, but Rose shakes her head violently at you when you go to say hi, and you can't see Kanaya's face, so you both sat about three tables away from them and pretended they weren't there. You drop Rose a text asking if everything's okay. She doesn't reply.

Work is weird, too. Brian's not in for some unknown reason and Dirk has to make a trip past your store to give you the spare set of shop keys you have in your other bag, and he's weirdly pissed off that you didn't take them with you to the fair yesterday as if you knew all of this was going to happen.

"He's probably just stressed about something else," Karkat assures you as you twist the key to bring the shutter up, "he'll be fine later."

"Yeah, probably." You agree, even though you don't think so, really. You're having a weird ass day and you don't know what's going on or why everyone's in weird moods. You kind of just want to go to sleep.

The day goes by quietly, hardly any customers as usual. Karkat tidies up around the place while you sit being useless at the cash desk. Your phone buzzes at about 1pm, a message from Rose.

Rose [13:08]: No I don't suppose everything is alright. Are you free?  
[13:08]: kind of  
[13:09]: im at work if u wanna come chat  
Rose [13:10]: That would be good, yes. I'll be there in a while.  
Rose [13:11]: ...Is Karkat with you?  
[13:11]: uh yeah why  
Rose [13:12]: I'll stop crying before I arrive, then.  
[13:12] aw rose wtf

You frown at your phone, before announcing, "Rose is coming."

"Too much info," Karkat says, before, "Just kidding, she okay?"

"I don't think so, no." You say honestly, and the two of you share A Look before he goes back to tidying sections he's already tidied three times, and you go back to staring at your phone.

Rose arrives at just after two, with three coffees in a little carry box. She distributes them before she settles down on your desk, gloved hands cupping her coffee as she avoids looking at yourself or Karkat for what feels like forever. You exchange worried glances with eachother before Karkat pipes up.

"You alright, Rose?"

She looks at him, then, and then at you. Her face is tight and her eyes look sore.

"Kanaya isn't sure if we are... _worth the trouble_." She spits out the last few words, making it clear that they aren't her own.

"What do you mean?" You find yourself asking at the same time as Karkat asks "The fuck is that supposed to mean?" and you avoid looking at him. This is Rose Time, not Complicated Feels Time.

"She isn't sure if being in a relationship with me is worth the hassle. Her mother knows she's gay, as do her siblings, but apparently we might _ruin our friendship_ if we continue," Rose takes a sip of her coffee, scoffing, "As if our friendship wasn't founded on a relationship in-game anyway!"

"You two were the gayest in-game couple there was." You clarify, "Like I fully could not find the two of you for almost the entire meteor segment. If that's not grounds for a relationship I don't know what is."

Karkat cuts in, "What did you say to her?"

"I told her what I just told you both! That I don't understand what she means, that our entire friendship has been a relationship and I don't understand how we could possibly ruin it other than to give it up!"

She's started crying again. You wish you kept tissues on shop floor.

"She said she had to think about things. That she would let me know either way." She pauses, seemingly refusing to look up at either of you, "I feel like my whole world is being pulled out from under me."

You know Rose, and this isn't her. This little bird sat injured on your desk is not the Rose you know and love, and you absolutely have to get those little wings flying again.

"Rose, remember when you started drinking while playing?"

She looks up, offended, "I thought we were past th-"

"No, listen. Remember when you continuously made an ass of yourself in front of her, getting drunk while playing and blurting out pitiful little declarations of your feelings? When you completely trashed everything before that, when you were trying to hack into the game because we weren't winning and you went so painfully goth that I'm pretty sure Marilyn Manson took your character design for one of his stage outfits?"

"I don't see your point."

"She stuck with you. Through all of that. Sure you've had little blips but you have literally _just_ found eachother in real life after essentially starting a relationship online. Of course she's gonna be freaking out a bit."

Karkat jumps in, "I actually don't think she's ever had a serious relationship before? She's probably scared that _she's_ gonna fuck it up, not you."

Rose looks up at both of you, unconvinced.

"Listen, RoLal," You put a hand on her arm in a way you hope is reassuring and not patronising, "You're amazing. You adapt to any and every situation. You see what you want and you go and get it. It took you barely any time at all to track these evasive viral fuckers down," You gesture at Karkat, he acts offended, "when all you had to go on is that they had to be local. You did that. You're not going to see any downsides to your relationship because you have played through every possible outcome in your head and you know what to do at every turn."

"If you're trying to big up my ego, I can assure you you don't need to."

"I'm not trying to big up your ego, your ego chokes me in conversation, I know it doesn't need any more. I'm telling you that while you can adapt and you know what's going on, Kanaya is still someone who panics sometimes. She gets worried and thinks she's annoying and doesn't wave away anxiety like you do. Be patient with her."

"Dave's right, Rose," Karkat interjects, sitting up on the other side of the desk and leaning over, "She'll come around, just give her time."

She smiles, wiping a streak of tears from her cheek, "Since when were you two founts of relationship knowledge?"

Karkat gasps, offended, "I'll have you know I am an _expert_ at matters of the heart!"

"As long as they're not your own?" Rose smiles.

"Don't test me."

Rose stays with you until closing time, promising to let you both know she's got home safe and that she'll be on the group chat later this evening. You hug her, for the first time in a very,very long time you hug her and realise just how small she is.

You're about to suggest movie night when your phone buzzes in your pocket.

Dirkatron [18:43]: Family dinner, no guests, talk in a bit lil bro x

You feel a pit of nausea in your stomach.

You show the text to Karkat, who frowns slightly but shrugs, "Family time is important, I can respect that. I should probably go home and actually see my mom for once."

"Yeah that's fair. See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

You linger there for a moment, before pulling him in for a hug. He melts into you easily, wrapping his arms around your chest underneath your jacket while you wind your arms around his thin shoulders, pressing your cheek into his mess of black hair. He's warm and familiar and you don't really want to let go but you have to, because it's gone on so long it's getting kind of weird, now.

"Alright," Karkat says, pushing away from you, "go home you loser, I'll talk to you later."

"Yeah alright, talk later." You shove him, waving as you head off on the road towards your apartment.

The walk is long, but your iPod is alive and you've got a new album downloaded on it so you're okay.

What you're not okay with, after climbing like fifty sets of stairs in freezing cold air, is getting into your apartment to absolute silence. You chuck your bag down in your room, shrugging off your jacket and finding yourself testing your footing before you step down, not making any noise as you walk back out towards the kitchen. The air is thick with tension and you're not comfortable with it.

Dirk is sat at the kitchen table, what is clearly Chinese takeout spread out on actual plates before him. He's sat there, just looking at you, and you're lingering in the doorway, feeling about 7 years old and like you've just been caught doing something you shouldn't have been.

"Sit." He says, and you do.

He picks up a knife and fork, gesturing for you to do the same. You feel like you're playing some kind of weird mind game with him, and it feels like forever before you get up the courage to speak, just as he does.

"Why are you being so off lately?"

"Why don't we talk any more?"

You both spoke at once, so you're not sure who should be answering, but you figure you probably should.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Bullshit, Dave." He says, putting his cutlery down in a manner that actually makes you flinch, what the fuck? "We haven't had a real conversation in months."

"Yes we have? We've had loads of conversations."

"No, we've had chats. We've had chats with Karkat here about shit that doesn't really matter to either of us. We haven't sat down and talked about our lives or how work is going or people we're seeing or anything like that." He takes a breath, looking you dead in the eyes, "You're always off somewhere with Karkat, and don't get me wrong I love that kid with all my fucking heart, an I'm glad you're getting out more, but what the fuck happened here? We used to be so tight and now it's awkward just having dinner together. It's like you only come back here to sleep."

"You know what?" You say, feeling strangely sick and not wanting to address this right now, you stand up and head for the door, "I'm not really that hungry. Excuse me."

"Don't you dare walk out of this kitchen, Dave. You are my brother, not some little bitch who can't deal with getting questioned. Get your ass back in here and tell me what's going on."

You breathe in slowly, anger taking over as you turn yourself back around and sit down, folding your sunglasses on the tabletop and turning to look at your brother evenly. He wants what's going on? Fine.

"I fucked Karkat."

"You... what?" He blinks, then, the anger slipping off his face and making room for concern.

"I fucked Karkat. At his aunt's wedding. Both drunk as all hell." You clarify, then you feel your face heating up and figure, fuck it, might as well keep rolling! "I might have ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me and I have no way of fixing that. I don't get to tell him how much me means to me or the fact he's one of the reasons I bother getting up in the mornings, or that his smile gives me cause to fucking breathe, because I went and got hammered and fucked him at his aunt's wedding, which is disgustingly hook-up culture and does not in any way scream out that I care about him."

"Dave, I-"

"I took advantage of my best fucking friend in a fleeting moment of alcohol and hormones, and now he's being really weird with me and I don't know how to fix it, Dirk. That's what's going on with me." You pick up your fork in the following silence, rolling up some cold noodles, "How's work?"

You sit for what feels like forever, the only sound is the scraping of your fork against your plate as your brother goes from staring at you, to staring at the table, to looking out of the window.

"Dave why didn't you say anything?"

"Because I fucked up, dude. I didn't want you thinking I couldn't deal with it, but turns out I can't."

"As not only your brother but your legal guardian, I gotta ask-"

"Don't you fucking dare."

"Were you safe?"

"Dude!"

"Dave, pulling out is only seventy-three to ninety-six per cent effective! You've gotta be prepared! You gonna be clever!"

"I was drunk! I wasn't exactly prepared for sex, Dirk!"

He leans back with a groan, hand over his eyes, "Fuck sake, kid."

"I am definitely not hungry now." You remark, "Thanks."

"I'm adding condoms to the shopping list."

You wince, "As if I'm ever going to get laid again, sure thing bro."

"That kid is smitten, Dave. You're an idiot not to see it and you'd be even more of one to let him go. Do not waste this, man. Don't be the asshole that whines forever about the _one that got away_ , okay? You are not that douchebag."

"I'm not that douchebag."

"Good," He smiles, then, not at you but at the table before drawing a straight face out of nowhere, "now please can we get back to this nutritious homecooked family dinner?"

"Absolutely, chef." You smile, and he smiles back.

You don't check your phone, and you don't log in to the group chat that night. You'll talk to them all tomorrow, you figure; tonight's for your brother, and a bond you almost tested to breaking point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aiming for two tonight, apologies as I'm running late with my self-set schedules :(
> 
> Love you all, sorry I don't get around to replying to all your comments but every single one of them makes me smile.
> 
> xoTeryn


	18. Chapter 18

"Dave get up."

"Mnhh?"

You blink open your eyes, seeing your room still engulfed in darkness and the streetlight outside illuminating half of Karkat's face as he leans down over you, knees either side of your hips. You close your eyes tightly again, opening them to exactly the same scene. You're not dreaming. Okay.

"What are you-"

"Dave it's Halloween and neither of us have costumes."

You almost sit up, but Karkat's still leaning over you so you settle for propping yourself up on your elbows. Your head is heavy and your eyes are tired, "What?"

"It is Halloween. We have no costumes."

"Karkat what time is it?"

"Uh," He checks his phone, "Ten to seven, why?"

"You're the worst friend in the world. How the fuck did you even get here?"

He rolls his eyes in the artificial light, "Buses start at five, Strider."

You resign yourself to wakefulness, for now, rolling your shoulders out and thanking whatever gods there may be that you are at least wearing boxers, "Why do we need costumes anyway, what have you signed me up for?"

"We're going to Vriska's house party?" He says, looking at you like you've just asked him what colour the sky is, "Or were you not paying attention at all when I was talking to you yesterday?"

"Probably that, sorry. I'm very tired. I don't really know Vriska though?"

"So what? I do."

"I guess."

You only half welcome the silence that follows, because while you enjoy not being shouted at in the face before 7am, you're also now feeling the entire weight of Karkat straddling your lap.

You clear your throat, "Can we, like, sleep? Sort out costumes when there are even like, shops open?"

"You want to go back to sleep." Karkat clarifies, looking you dead in the eyes with such aggressive disappointment you have to double check you're actually awake again.

"Yes." You say, then add, "Please."

"Fine." He flops down beside you, fully clothed, and waits.

When you wake up again, sunlight is pouring through the windows and Karkat is warm and still against your side. You stretch out, finally able to face the day now that the sky isn't pitch black. You nudge Karkat, waking him slowly from his sleep.

"Come on Karkat I thought you were up."

He bats at your arm, "That was hours ago, go fuck yourself."

You drag yourself out of bed and listen to Karkat complaining for a total of one and a half hours about the fact you don't have costumes, and you assure him you'll both be able to throw something together easily. You ask Dirk, when he wakes up, if you've got any Halloween shit lying around and he tells you to go look in his closet, which is never a good idea.

You reach Vriska's house late, which is absolutely fine by you. Your brother told you before you left _"Don't do anything stupid"_ and now those words are ringing around through your head, behind your glasses, through the vampire stage-makeup and out through your stick-on fangs as you breathe them out, just quiet enough so only you hear them. Karkat pulls your hand harder, practically dragging you towards the house.

"I still don't see the point if we're not trick-or-treating." You say, loud enough to be heard over the thrumming music emanating from inside the house as you near it. Karkat looks back at you and rolls his eyes, the white mask covering half his face and cloak collar turned up - both together making him almost unreadable.

You turn up the collar of your own short cape, red inside black outside, a classic vampire look. You fiddle with the plastic medallion over your shirt, smoothing it down as Karkat pulls you in through the open front door.

Party lights are going, she has an actual booth set up in the lounge (where Sollux is DJ-ing, badly) and there has to be at least fifty people here already. 

You find yourself pushed over to the booth while Karkat yells something about drinks, and you gladly push Sol off the decks and take over, hands skimming and sliding at will while he resigns himself to hypeman on the microphone instead. Karkat comes over to offer you a drink and you almost take it, before your brother's voice sounds off in your head.

_Don't do anything stupid._

You shake your head at him, turning your attention back to the music, not noticing him moving away back through the crowd. You can survive the night without a drink, you're sure. You won't make any mistakes if you're sober. You won't upset him if you're sober. You flick your cape back over your shoulder, settling in for a long night, the music thudding through your very bones and making you focus on that feeling, only that feeling and nothing else in the universe.

You make a run for it when the girls start on you. Girls you've never met - Vriska's friends, no doubt - trying to lean over the decks to talk to you. You're definitely not able to deal with that right now, so you tag Sollux in and slide out, weaving through the crowd towards the back door, stepping out into the cool evening air and leaning back against the wall.

"You look like you're having fun."

You look up, startled, to see Karkat smoking a few paces away from you in the garden, the mask-free side of his face turned towards you but his entire body almost completely shrouded in darkness. His eye, the one you can see, looks hazy, clouded over in the light coming out in a wide triangle from the kitchen doors.

"Aren't you?" You counter, and he laughs a little.

"More fun now." He admits, stepping closer and leaning against the wall beside you, blowing smoke into your face. The air out here is biting cold, but he's not shivering.

"Bit gay, but okay." You laugh out, tense and suddenly very much awake as Karkat reaches out and places his cigarette between your lips, rolling his head on his shoulders.

He hums as you breathe in a lungful of burning smoke, "I could get gayer."

"I fucking doubt it." You shoot back, startled when he's suddenly there, right in front of you, breath on your face way beyond the legal limit of absolutely anything and you're about to jump back, about to say something, and then-

"Hey guys!" John. John fucking Egbert. God, you love that piece of shit. He's stuck his head out of the kitchen door, Karkat's jumped back from you, "We're telling ghost stories upstairs! Rose said to come and find you and then Sollux said he saw you head outside so here I am I guess!"

"Sick, coming up." You say, patting Karkat on the shoulder as you take a drag of the cigarette and hand it back to him, asking, "You comin'?"

He just nods, following you quietly back into the loud house.

Rose always has the best ghost stories - the party has confined itself to the lower half of the house, so your little group cocooned in one of the spare bedrooms upstairs is sheltered from most of the noise and drunken antics. Sollux has a litre bottle of some disastrous concoction he made in the kitchen - "It's called _Tequila Mockingbird_ and it is the only thing I am ever drinking again." - and has already forced three shots of it down you, despite your protesting.

You're here to have fun, he says, not to worry about what Drunk Dave might do.

You suppose he's right.

Karkat is on the other side of the room, leaning up against the edge of the bed and looking over his shoulder at Rose, the storyteller, who has everyone in the room lapping up every word of her stories. You watch his neck as he rolls his head from side to side, and then his eyes as he catches you staring at him, his mask pushed up atop his head and pushing his fringe up and away from his face. He smiles. You take the next shot Sollux hands you, it catching on your false fangs and almost causing you to spill it down your front. You see Karkat stifle a laugh and shoot him a glare.

"As much as I love _Storytime With Rose_ ," Theresa shoots, more slurs, from her place sat on the chest of drawers, swinging her legs wildly and almost catching Vriska in the back of the head, "I think we should be breaking out the big guns, tonight."

"What you suggestin'?" whats-his-face - Gamzee? What was his real name? - asks, and she rolls her eyes dramatically before answering.

"Drinking games, duh! We're not twelve, guys, we have way too much alcohol and it's only-" she checks her phone, "like nine o'clock!"

"Jesus Christ." You find yourself saying, without really meaning to, but you're met with agreement from basically everyone in the room because _seriously, it's 9pm??? What???????_

Overuse of punctuation due to incredulity aside, _put those question marks away your English teacher would be ashamed_ , Theresa has pulled out the big guns, and soon you find yourselves all settling on playing 'Never Have I Ever' because _that's a good idea_ and also because as soon as someone asks what game you should all play, everyone in the room is suddenly genuinely twelve and has never heard of a drinking game in their life. This phenomenon is known as the _Wetherspoons Regret Effect_ , and despite the name can be observed occurring within any social pub in your local area.

"Never have I ever..." John pauses, glancing between everyone in the group as if choosing a victim, which seems to be the whole idea of this game. He settles on you. "Crossdressed."

"It was for comic con!" You shout defensively, but graciously accepting the shot Sollux hands you as he pours his own. Karkat takes a swig from his bottle. At least you have these two backing you up.

"What were you cosplaying?" Sollux asks after his drink, his voice a hoarse cough in the wake of the amount of tequila he is forcing down his throat.

"Sailor Moon, and I looked fucking amazing." You glare at John, his stupid grinning face wavering slightly in your sight. You guess you're getting a little more drunk than expected.

"Alright alright, that sucked," Vriska announces, leaning forward and owning the room as she does, "Never have I ever!"

You all pause and wait, knowing she loves the suspense. You find you're all leaning in with exaggerated excitement waiting for her challenge.

"Had a dirty dream about someone in this room."

"Define _dirty_." Theresa calls out, lightly but purposefully kicking Vriska in the head as she asks.

"A sex dream, duh."

You hold your empty shot glass out to Sollux and he mutters about how disgusting you are and how ashamed he is of you even as he pours his own, once more. You briefly make eye contact with Karkat before he drinks. Rose and Kanaya both drink, and you notice they're linking arms and giggling together, so you figure that situation is working itself out after all. John drinks. Theresa drinks.

You can feel that you all hate yourselves, but teenagers are uncontrollable messes.

"Alright something more fun now," Theresa offers, "Never have I ever eaten dog food."

Jade actually drinks, and the night is back in full swing without the awkwardness of sexual questions, sure maybe Sollux offers up a "never have I ever sucked a dick" and Karkat drinks, but everyone laughs it up without questions, and several of the others drank anyway, so you don't worry. You don't allow yourself to worry, you're here to have a good time with your friends, not to have several hundred tiny anxiety attacks in a shitty dollar-store cape.

The game goes on for what feels like hours, your little group shut away upstairs from the raging party below - Vriska's weird older brother is supervising them, she explains, which is good because she absolutely cannot be bothered to try and keep anyone in line. She's expecting the police to show up eventually, she says, they always do.

She doesn't have to wait long.

Sirens sound loudly over the thumping music below, and Vriska sighs dramatically before standing, jumping over each of you sat on the floor and throwing the door open to go and... what? Argue with the police? You don't know, all you know is that you are getting the hell out of here right now.

You hear Vriska's voice cutting over the music, before the door swings shut, blocking her out, "Everybody shut the _fu-_ "

You're all stood, now, everyone looking at eachother like someone has to have a plan. It's a flurry of motion. John's halfway out the window; the cops aren't in the house yet and the whole of downstairs is a flurry of teenagers who think this situation is the best thing that could have possibly happened, so he's probably got the right idea, here. You rush over to help him get his leg up, taking the weight of the window on your shoulder as he shimmies out onto the sloping roof heading down to the garden.

Half your little group has forced themselves out of the door and down the stairs, chancing the crowd as a diversion, and you find yourself laughing as you jump up on the window ledge, flashing blue lights surrounding the night air and sirens piercing and echoing through the suburbs as you feel a hand grab yours, Karkat climbing out last and he's laughing too, and you completely lose it, gasping for breath, chest heaving with the effort of taking in the cold now-November air and the smell of bonfire smoke - or has someone just set light to Vriska's bin? You don't even know at this point.

John's shouting something at you from further down the roof, but you're not paying attention, the stars are bright and your shades are tucked into your collar, Karkat's hand is still in yours and the night would be so calm if it wasn't for those sirens wailing and the shouting coming from downstairs, and when you look down John's gone.

"He jumped, come on," Karkat urges, laughing like the little drunken mess he is as he tugs your hand, sliding down the deep blue tiles until you can see John, Sollux, Rose and Kanaya beckoning you from behind the hedges. Jade must have taken the stairs. You don't remember. She'll be fine.

Karkat pauses, looking up at you, and your words slip out without you needing to think about them, and you know you're drunk and you can feel that tingling sensation you get when you've been drinking sat down and then you get up and your body finally realises how wasted it is, and you wish you hadn't had that feeling while trying to escape a police raid but here you are!

"I'll go first, I'll catch you."

"Okay."

You let go of his hand and jump down, managing a poorly coordinated roll on the damp grass and feeling your cape tighten around your neck as you roll over it, but then you're up and dizzy and holding your arms out for Karkat to jump too, and you have to focus on not falling over when the force of descending drunken teenager hits you like a tonne of bricks, and then you're running off after John and the others, laughing uncontrollably as you leave the chaos of Vriska's house behind you.

You make it to the local park, some ways behind the rest of the group and with Karkat still holding your hand, warm and smooth. Your face is heated up with the effort of running and the amount of alcohol in your system, and you're out of breath and you collapse against the cool, dewy grass, pulling Karkat down with you and hearing John talking in the background. Is he on the phone?

"Hey! Where are you?"

You crane your head to look, your vision swimming with the effort. You get an upside-down image of John, stood with one hand on his knee and one pressing his phone to his ear, bandages trailing off of him - remnants of a last-minute costume.

"We made it to the park, get everyone over here if you can."

A pause, he pushes off his knee and leans back, sighing loudly.

"Alright! Not everyone, then. Jeez."

You roll your head back, cheek and chin connecting with the cool plastic of Karkat's mask, still on the top of his head. You kiss it without thinking.

"You're just jealous my costume's better than yours."

"Huh?" You try and look down, but Karkat's not looking at you, just weaving his fingers with your own, "Well it's not like I could wear it, is it."

"No, fucking traitor. I'm still mad about that."

You sigh, "Karkat it's not like I was trying to fall asleep!"

"Sure! You just threatened to, and then did," He looks up at you this time, what could be genuine annoyance in his eyes, dismissed only by the slight smile on his face, "Hey Dave I'm so happy you agreed to watch my favourite film! Glad to provide you with the two hour nap you wanted while I sit and watch it alone."

"You're never gonna forgive me for that, are you?"

"Nope."

John leans over you, then, "Jade's coming with the others. Apparently Vriska's been arrested?"

You make a disappointed noise, "And we had to run away and miss that!"

"Dave you're mean."

You are, you decide, and resign yourself to it with a contented sigh and a wiggle to make your exhausted body more comfortable on the cool, damp ground.

The others rejoin you eventually, and you find out that Sollux managed to save his litre bottle of horrifying existential dread when he fled the scene, so you're all back to drinking that, and a few beers Theresa managed to get hold of as she left through the kitchen, in the middle of a children's play park. You're suddenly fourteen again, and you have no idea what's going on.

You're feeling especially blurry when it comes time to walk home, and you're leaning heavily on Karkat for most of the walk, but he's also leaning heavily on you and making fun of your outfit, your eyeliner streaked down your face - he streaks it down your cheeks even further to prove his point - and the stupid little fangs you're wearing - he pokes them for good measure. You're giggling together, heads close and arms around eachothers' backs.

You get to the defining fork in the road, where you go left and Karkat goes right, and you almost invite him back to yours but he turns, slapping a hand on your chest.

"I have to go home, I am not sleeping in this goddamn costume, David."

"Understood," You say, but linger there a little longer. Your brain feels heavy.

"I'll see you," He pauses, blinking, and you find yourself breathing out heavily through your nose when you see him do it, and you both laugh again, "I'll see you tomorrow, 'kay?"

You nod, and he laughs again, batting at you so you sway slightly.

You slap his hand away when he goes to shove you again, "Text me when you're home?"

"Whatever. Yeah."

He leans up to hug you clumsily, smearing a kiss on your cheek and telling you to fuck off when you laugh. You watch him go, down the streetlight-flooded street, and he turns around three times to look back at you before he turns the corner towards his street and then he's gone, and then it's three o'clock in the morning and you're alone, walking the backroads and alleyways in what you know is the shortcut to your apartment, you've walked it enough times from Karkat's to know it's the quickest route but you still wish the buses were running.

On second thought, no you don't, thinking about the movement of the bus round corners makes you want to throw up.

[03:04]: omg i just realised its the fuckin witching hour and youre making me walk home alone  
[03:04]: i fucking hate u  
Karkat [03:06]: Man the FUCK up Strudel  
Karkat [03:06]: ****Strider  
[03:06]: strudel  
Karkat [03:08]: Get home safe or I'll kick the shit outta u  
[03:08]: noted

You reach your apartment at almost four, practically crawling up the thousand flights of stairs and falling through your door. You blindly reach to shut the door as quietly as you can behind you, your footsteps echoing louder than you want them to as you move down the hallway to your room in the darkness. Your brother's bedroom door is shut as you walk past, so you reckon you're safe to avoid questioning.

Your phone buzzes in your pocket just as you manage to get the fangs out of your mouth and the cape undone from around your neck.

Karkat [04:10]: You'd better be home by now  
Karkat [04:10]: Srsly  
[04:11]: im home calm down

You unbutton half of your shirt, your fingers numb and eyes heavy.

Karkat [04:13]: Good bc I am TIRED  
Karkat [04:13]: Both of your shit and in general  
Karkat [04:14]: I hope your hangover is awful  
[04:15]: alright asshole go the fuck to sleep  
Karkat [04:17]: Alright night then bitch xxx  
[04:18]: careful bro three kisses is dangerous territory  
[04:18]: night xxxx  
Karkat [04:20]: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You just about manage to plug your phone in before the heaviness in your eyes wins you over, and you sink into the kind of deep, heavy-limbed sleep only a Tequila Mockingbird can provide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm LATE.
> 
> Halloween chapter.
> 
> Also, to make a Tequila Mockingbird (which, yes, I came up with the name before I realised it was already in use, but I will continue to use it because it's awesome)  
> Measurements:  
> \- Two parts (golden) Tequila  
> \- One part White Rum  
> \- Splash of Vodka  
> \- Three-to-four parts lemonade (to taste)
> 
> I made it at MCM Expo (London Comic Con) last weekend and I had to make two more litre bottles because all my friends kept stealing it.  
> Please drink responsibly and conform to the age limits in your country.
> 
> xoTeryn


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This is a super short one to get the scene set again, sorry guys!) xoT

"What do you mean, you're going on holiday?"

Karkat sighs heaily down the phone, "I'm going to my aunt's, not like, Russia or some shit."

There's a clatter as you drop the wooden spoon you're using to cook heavily down on the kitchen counter, "But you're leaving?"

"For like three days? Maybe four?" a pause, "Sorry, was I meant to ask your permission?"

"No!" You shout, and Dirk loudly shushes you from the next room, "It just... Warning would have been nice."

Silence, then; the pasta sauce in the pan on the stove is bubbling threateningly at you. 

"Yeah, I'll miss you too, asshole."

"I might die if you leave." You admit, and you're only half kidding.

Angry sigh again, "I'll only be like, in the next state over, it's not a backwater with no internet."

You stir the pasta, grimacing at a bit burned to the edge of the pan. You are absolutely not a chef in any respect. Should have let Dirk cook. "Have you told Brian or am I going to have to explain when I get to work in the morning?"

"I told Brian weeks ago."

"Oh right okay so I didn't deserve to know." You ask, getting louder, Dirk shushes you again.

"You only would have bitched at me. Talk to you later, okay?"

"Yeah whatever." You pout with your voice, playful but kind of actually upset about this situation as he hangs up and you slide your phone into your back pocket.

Usually you're just vaguely pissed off when you get a block of single-line dialogue with no accompanying actions - which is why you hate phonecalls with a passion and made a point of stirring your dinner to break it up a bit - but you find your anger muted in comparison to the sadness that you're going to have to spend the best part of a week without your best friend.

You remember when you used to refer to John as your best friend, and mentally apologise to him. Kind of awkward.

You finish cooking, peeking into the lounge and seeing your brother busy on his laptop. Sighing, you plate up half the pasta and sit in silence eating it, leaving the rest for Dirk. You don't know what you're meant to be doing, really. Usually you've either got Karkat over, or Dirk's not busy, so the rare occasion nowadays where you're by yourself you find it amplified tenfold, to the point the scraping of your fork on your plate gets right under your skin, and the feeling of the pasta in your mouth starts making you physically sick. You can hear your brother typing.

This can't just be because Karkat's going on holiday, surely? That would be pathetic. You're not like, a little lovesick songbird refusing to join in with the dawn chorus, you're a grown ass dude. Come on. You can survive a few days without him.

You wonder if anyone else is free over the next few days, try and get yourself out and about. Messaging your regular group chat (lovingly named "Humans Only (Also Jade)" does nothing, however, so you fire off a text to Sollux, and another to Theresa for good measure. Both reply almost instantly and you've scored plans for tomorrow - they were both going out tomorrow anyway and sure you can tag along.

Everything's quiet again. You're good.

You wash up your plate, tiptoe past your brother, brush your teeth and go to bed. You know it's only like ten o'clock but whatever, maybe you'll get a good nights' sleep tonight.

It's cold when you climb under your comforter, snuggling down as far as you can without your feet dropping off the end of your bed and wrapping yourself up like a burrito. You're awake, which is the main problem here. Being asleep requires not being awake, but the more you think about the fact you need to stop being awake, the more aware of your wakefulness you become, the more your brain is thinking about everything and - yeah, now you're conscious of your breathing again which usually means you're about to become aware of your blinking - and there you go.

Played yourself, again.

You don't remember falling asleep, or how long it took, but then you guess you never do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy am I far behind.  
> These are all gonna be non-linear for a while! This chapter is set around early-mid November.  
> You'll understand why this is important in a few chapters' time.
> 
> I love you all, thankyou for your continued support and comments and I'm sorry I never get around to responding to you all, but I read every single one I promise. See you sooner than you think.
> 
> xoTeryn


	20. Chapter 20

"All I'm saying!" Theresa reiterates, taking a dramatic sip of her milkshake as the three of you stroll towards the churchyard to sit down, "Is why in fifty shades of fuck aren't you two dating already?"

You sigh, throwing your arms up dramatically because apparently people do that in real life, "You make it sound like that shit's simple!"

"Uh, dude, it is?" Sol chimes in, tapping his cup against yours, "You just ask them out? What's Karkat gonna do, reject you? Yeah fuckin right."

"Can we not talk about this?" You ask seriously, starting to feel the knot in your chest tightening. You'd literally only briefly mentioned Karkat to tell them he'd gone on holiday and Theresa had started off on you about That Whole Thing.

Theresa positively cackles at that, "Awh, Dave's got a crush!"

"Shut the fuck up, Rez!" You're beginning to regret inviting them out, "At least I haven't got a thing for Vriska, I mean _seriously_?"

"I told you that in confidence you ass!"

Sollux waves you both quiet as you step through the iron gates into the Church garden, "Alright alright, everyone shut up, we're on God's ground now, best behaviour."

You settle down on one of the benches, taking out the food you'd bought in town, and are immediately accosted by like thirty crows. You try and shoo them, but they know you have food and they are not leaving empty beaked. You stare at one of them and are met with beady little black eyes and a quick, almost-sweet head tilt. It snaps its beak at you. Fucking birds.

"Lunch buddies!" Theresa laughs, throwing a pinch of bread at them from the corner of her burger.

"You know if you feed them they'll never go away, right?" You note.

She looks confused, "Why would I want them to go away? The closer they are the easier I can see them, you insensitive prick."

"If only I gave a fuck, am I right?"

She scoffs, taking a bite of burger before continuing, mouth full, "Oh you're just in a bad mood because the love of your life went away and now you're gonna die alone."

You roll your eyes, "He's on holiday, he hasn't moved forever."

Theresa's eyes widen and you feel instant regret as Sollux pipes up, "You just admitted Karkat's the love of your life, holy shit?"

"Oh fuck off, I just knew who she meant," You're met with sceptical eyes, "Anyway I thought this was God's ground, why are you both putting me through hell?"

"Oh I don't know," Sollux muses, "Maybe because you all-of-a-sudden needed backup friends and you at least owe us these small moments of glee in exchange for our company."

You roll your eyes at him, turning your attention to your food and keeping it away from the corvids surrounding your little group. It's nice outside, considering the fact it's winter - almost mild outside with a breeze that hits every now and then to cut through your jacket and remind you how far north you are and how unpredictable the weather can be.

It's nice to have company out here, too. You're glad you only had a half day at work this morning, otherwise you probably would have lost your mind. You haven't seen these two since Vriska's party (after which she was arrested, and released the next day with a warning due to the fact the police can't actually arrest people for drinking in a private home with adult supervision) and it's nice to be able to spend some time with them, even if it is mainly just because your main source of entertainment is elsewhere.

That... sounded meaner than you intended it to.

"Right, we have a few options here." Sol pipes up, scrunching the paper bag from his food up into a ball with both his hands, before gesturing numbers with his right, "One! We stay out here, freeze, and accept the warm and comforting merciful embrace of death with open arms."

"Nice."

"Two! We go to mine and have casserole and watch Law and Order: Special Victims Unit with my nan."

"Yes."

"Or three, we go to Theresa's and drink away our sorrows in her basement."

"Okay," You nod, "I'm sold on absolutely any and all of those options."

"Can we still watch Law and Order at my house?" Theresa asks, "And maybe also order pizza?"

"You just ate?"

"And I'm hungry again? What's your problem?"

"Alright we're going to yours then." Sol nods, all of you standing in unison and causing the crows to jump back a little, but not fly away. You'd have flown away. That was a weird thought.

Sudden scene change time to distract everyone from that!

The first thing you're thankful for in Rez's basement is the portable heater, tucked in the corner and casting a warm, yellow glow over everything. The second thing is the sick setup she's got down here, all plush couches and plasma TV, bookshelves lined with games and guides. You bury yourself in the couch cushions and wiggle yourself as far down as you can go.

You do watch Law and Order, even though it tends to just make you angry at the world, and Theresa falls asleep (or slips into a food-induced coma, you're not sure) halfway through the second disc so it's just you and Sol wrapped in spare blankets on the couch, passing the pizza boxes between yourselves and arguing over the legal system and all its flaws. Sollux angrily announces that he's going to go into law enforcement just so there's one cop doing his job properly. You can't argue with that.

Checking your phone throughout the day has been a problem, but you do it again now just to be sure - still no messages, no calls, nothing.

"What if K-K's ghosting you?" Sollux offers, leaning over your shoulder to check your phone.

You lock it and chuck it on the sofa, "Fuck off, he's on holiday. I can go a day without talking to him."

"Really? Because even in the game you two were literally inseperable." You rolld your eyes, but he continues, "You know in our group chat you were literally the only thing he talked about?"

"Nah, don't be stupid."

"No lies. Just message them, honestly. You're sat here waiting for a text when Karkat's probably doing the exact same thing."

You hum, glancing at your phone, "Maybe later."

"You two are fucking impossible."

You wave your hand in his general direction, tugging the scratchy, warm blanket further over yourself, "Hush, Sol, Olivia Benson is speaking."

He mutters something under his breath, but you ignore him in favour of the television, and he doesn't bring Karkat up again for the rest of the evening, at least.

Theresa wakes up about two hours later, and breaks out the alcohol. All three of you end up cwtched together on the one couch, despite the ample amount of seating down here. You end up sharing five blankets and several drinks, slurring your way into the night and accepting the fact you're still marathoning Law and Order SVU because none of you can be bothered to choose something else to watch.

It's warm and comfortable down in the basement, and you're with friends you barely get to see, and you should be happy. You are! Don't... uh... get you wrong? You are happy, but...

You grab your phone from where it's wedged itself between the couch cushions, snuggling down further in the blankets and leaning heavily on Theresa's arm. You open up your messages to and from Karkat.

[00:13] hope ur having fun asshat  
[00:13] miss u

You lift your phone up, taking a picture of the three of you on the couch pulling faces and send that to him, too.

Karkat [00:14] I've been gone literally 24 hours and you're already off getting drunk with my friends? Should I even bother coming home?  
[00:14] who said i was drunk  
Karkat [00:15] "miss u"  
[00:16] aw i miss u too  
Karkat [00:17] Fuck off, I'm sleeping, night you weenie x  
[00:17] night xxxxxxx

You feel a bit better after that, despite not even realising how anxious you felt in the first place, your now feel calmer, warmer. You should have messaged him sooner so you could have enjoyed this evening even more, but hindsight is a wonderful and unforgiving thing.

"Told ya." Sol mutters, nodding down at your phone when you look up.

"Shut the fuck up." You shoot back, but without much malice, and a hint of a smile on your face.

You have good friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminding myself that I have other characters...
> 
> I have another thing in the works at the moment. I'm desperately trying to keep this fandom alive.
> 
> Also! If any of you are in the UK and can get to London on 413, please do! I run the event every year and would LOVE to see any of you there. Just search "413 2018" on fb, it'll be the first option that comes up with the black/white skaia map.
> 
> All my love  
> xo Teryn

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Morning Glory (In Reality)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6731050) by [parodySphoria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/parodySphoria/pseuds/parodySphoria)




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